Quote: The problem that you and I share is that we let it get this bad before being willing to take a stand.
That is very true!
Yes, there have been a few times where I have fleetingly thought killing myself would be a less painful option. I don't want to sound like this is a thought that comes up regularly...only in my darkest moments and I am pretty easily able to rationalize myself out of it. So I don't really look at it like choosing suicide vs. ending my marriage. In that case, the choice would be an easy one.
I'm still mulling over your ultimatum idea. I just need to find a threat that has some teeth. I just recently had the opportunity to have an EA with the HDH of an LDW friend of mine. It's a long story...but suffice to say I refused the opportunity. The main reason was I didn't want to destroy my friendship with his wife! The fear of destroying my own marriage was secondary to that. (How eye-opening.) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is what if I came at it from that angle: the sheer desperation I feel? In a nutshell: "In the past 30 days I came closer than you could know to having an affair. I don't want to do this because I love you and I know an affair would ruin our marriage. But I am to the point where if you don't do X, Y, and Z I feel an affair is my only option."
Of course, it could be argued that threatening an affair is the same as threatening a divorce since the affair would lead to the same end.
I'm still "thinking out loud" here and not sure if I'd have the guts to give him ANY sort of ultimatum. I was only half joking about the e-mail.
Quote: H and I had a very erratic sex life, and the thing that got us on our way was the once a week date nite which we both made a commitment to-- no ifs, ands or buts.
We have attempted this in the past but H ALWAYS uses the "I'm tired" excuse. And nights are the only times that really work for us in terms of scheduling sex, since we have three small kids so morning sex is kinda hit and miss.
I am more than willing to try scheduled sex, as much as the concept goes against my whole desire to be wanted and "taken" as it were.
- Heavyheart (who often suggests, on date night, that we go to the sex shop...but H just thinks I'm kidding and we go see a movie instead)
What would happen if the following question was asked of your husband.
"Hubby. I know that you masturbate several times a week. I don't have a problem with you masturbating, except that I feel you are taking away potential intimacy between us. Will you promise to make love to me at least as often as you masturbate? That way you can masturbate as much as you want to without feeling guilty, and I can regain some emotional connection with you"
How's that for a loaded question....
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HH wrote: -------------- but the whole plan (as usual) fell through --------------
Ah, but seeing the plan through is where you get to put your foot down and stand your ground.
"Hubby, I know you did it today, so how does 9:30 work for you tonight?" If he maintains that he hasn't masturbated in a week and that's why you have had no sex, then toss out the porn stash since he doesn't need it any more.
Any plan sucks if there is no action to back it up.
A while back during the time that my wife and I were addressing a situation where she was sleeping on the couch every night, there were a number of rather heated confrontations. During the last one I decided that if the unwanted behavior reoccurred, the couch would find a new abode on the front lawn. I am strong enough to have thrown it out by myself too. I never had to do it, but I absolutely would have.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Now, you see, if I were your wife I would have just slept on the couch on the lawn or hauled the thing back in the house through sheer stubborn willpower alone!
I'm taking all of today's advice to heart and mulling over a conversation with H tonight. (He is actually getting home early 'cuz his college football team is playing their first game of the year.) I am planning to start with something like..."I was just thinking today, it's been about six months since we had that very emotional conversation where you cried on my lap and said you would do anything to improve our sex life and save our marriage. I know a lot of very busy things have happened in our life since then, but I was wondering how things are going with our sex life, in your opinion?"
He will then give me his answer and, knowing H, will ask me how *I* think things are going. Then I guess I'm just going to have to practice brutal honesty.
Quote: (He is actually getting home early 'cuz his college football team is playing their first game of the year.)
Lets see? He likes 1) Masterbating while looking at porn, and 2) Watching TV. Does that sum it all up? He complains about being too tired at the end of a 10 hr day, but it's not like he's a lumberjack. He works in an office, right?
I think he is accustomed to a very passive, low energy life style. You haven't said, but I bet he doesn't exercise, does he? Maybe you could try to get him into an encourage him to adopt a healthier life style, to increase his overall level of activity. Right now the only exercise he gets is in one of his wrists, and 5 minutes every other day does not count as an aerobic workout.
Masterbation and porn go together. You can't separate them. I used to MB while looking at internet porn every day. I realized that I was doing it as a kind of anesthesia to dull the pain of alienation from my wife. I recently quit looking at porn as part of my self improvement plan. I respect myself more more, but I masterbate less as well.
This doesn't exactly help in your situation, because I am motivated and your husband is not. But what I see in him is a consistent pattern of pushing his own pleasure buttons with as little effort as possible. Going out with friends takes much more effort than watching TV; watching the game on TV takes much less effort than working out; masterbating while looking at porn takes much less effort than engaging in an active love life with your wife.
I didn't really offer any solutions, but I hope this might crystallize the true extent of your situation.
Time for the old Solid Mechanic to hit the recumbant exercise bike.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Hey SM...thanks for your insights. (I just happened to get a new recumbent exercise bike TODAY myself. What a b*tch that thing is to set up!)
You are really hitting the nail on the head about him being a low energy type of guy. In his defense, though, he does work out every day at work. He's been doing so since January and is quite proud of himself. Anyway, I haven't seen that this has affected his energy level at all. Interesting points you make, though.
Quote: There is no bondage or S&M or gay porn or anything like that.
Are you sure of that? IOW, have you looked through his stash (or at least the stash that you know about)? And, do you have a problem with these types of porn?
I am a HDH, so I can't give you an idea of what your H is thinking about porn vs. LM. I do think that most guys MB even while they have a good sex life. For a guy like me (with a LDW), I "have to" MB a few times a week so I don't attack my W every night (or morning) for LM.
Do you know if H would let you watch him?
On another topic, when my W was breastfeeding, I was strangely drawn to her breasts (something about the sweet nummy milk, perhaps). However, I know a LOT of guys (friends, coworkers) who are disgusted by the thought of tasting breast milk. Maybe it's as simple as that? Just a thought.
While we were clearing out the old house I had the opportunity to come across (and get rid of) boxes and boxes of old porn mags that I doubt he even knew he still had. (I think, before he met me, he had subscriptions - but got rid of them before I moved in.) Anyway, it was ALL very low-key stuff. And the movies he has are pretty conservative as far as porn goes - really nothing kinky at all. (In fact, personally, I prefer a little kinkier porn when I'm in that mood!) But no, it wouldn't really bother me if he liked weirder type stuff - in fact, it would give me an opportunity to make an inroad into maybe helping him with some of his fantasies. When I see he is just looking at women in lingerie playing with themselves, that doesn't leave me with much to work with since, hey, I like doing that too.
It would probably bother me if he was really into gay porn, though. I wouldn't mind an every-once-in-awhile type thing (I actually am intrigued and would love to watch some guy-on-guy stuff once just to see what it looks like - shhhh, don't tell anyone) but if he was looking at a lot of that I would wonder if he's gay.
As for the breastfeeding, he doesn't like to suck on my nipples like he used to because he doesn't want to taste the milk, but he still doesn't mind playing with them. He likes the jumbo look of them when I get engorged.
I've watched him before - the first few times he was uncomfortable with it but he doesn't seem to mind now. (This is in the context of us ML and him finishing himself off that way for whatever reason - like I'm having my period or something.)
