So through shrewd (LOL) detective work, I discovered that my LDH masturbates at least 3 times a week. I noticed he had been waking up early and tiptoeing out of the bedroom, but hadn't thought much of it until I was cleaning one day and noticed a porn mag in his nightstand. So then (during his early morning tiptoes) I would peek and notice he took the mag to the bathroom with him.
SSM talks about respecting your LD spouse's "horny" times and for H that is in the morning. Even though I prefer nighttime sex, I have tried to respect (and cater to) his morning preferences (even though he's made no effort to cater to my evening prefs). I've also made it clear to him that if he wakes up horny and I'm asleep he is free to awaken me. Now I see he is choosing to masturbate instead of wake me up. I've come close to asking him about this but haven't gotten up the nerve.
I don't know how I'm not supposed to feel rejected/gross/awful/unattractive by the fact he prefers to wake up and tiptoe off to the bathroom with Playboy than wake me up. I try not to internalize this stuff, but it happened again this morning and I just laid in bed crying. Then I end up being pissy with him all day, yet I can't bring myself to tell him why. I don't want him to feel ashamed about masturbating - but we have had this conversation at least 100 times in the past and he ends up feeling ashamed and I end up feeling like the mom punishing him for looking at dirty magazines and it just seems to push him farther away.
I know the 180's out there are thinking "When you notice him get up and sneak away, open the bathroom door and give him a BJ" right? I think my self-image is just too low to even think of doing this. If he wanted ME he would wake up and have ME! He wants his hand and a magazine.
