Hello...been awhile since I've been here. In May we made the ultimate in spontaneous purchases: a new house. With that came selling the old house, the exhaustion of moving, and trying to get set up here at the new place, along with taking care of the (3) kids, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. Although H and I had made a little bit of progress over the spring (resulting in him reading the first 1/3 of SSM and me reading SSM and the first 1/2 of PM) we are now back to him avoiding sex and me being too sheepish to initiate for fear of the usual rejection. (How's that for condensing 3 months into a rather volatile nutshell?!)
Glad to see some friendly, familiar faces still hanging around here (though I guess that's a double-edged sword - perhaps the ultimate would be that everybody has "fixed" their SSM problem and doesn't need to be here anymore).
I have made enormous improvements in my sich over the last several monthes and especially just recently. I am mainly hanging out on the board for the same reason alcoholics keep going to AA. Besides, I work at the computer and I've become conditioned to coming to this board rather than taking cookie breaks .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi HH. Sounds like it's time to turn the "pressure" back on him. So he rejects you. Remember, though, if you never initiate, you never give him the chance to say "yes."
My W keeps on looking at houses. If we do ever move, I intend to make a more "passionate marriage" part of the deal.
Hey HD! I am SO sorry to see that things haven't changed between you and Mrs. HD. I applaud you for enduring your situation, and for still being here to help the rest of us along.
Ya, maybe I should have had H sign some kind of sex contract before we moved. Actually, I vowed to myself that *I* would be a different person when we moved, and I really have been. I have kept our new house clean and tidy (getting rid of six billion truckloads of "stuff" before we moved really helped), always have a hot dinner waiting when he gets home, been more attentive to him in terms of just general affection & back rubs, made sure he always has clean shirts/undies/socks to wear...etc. In other words, I've become super-wife! Or, to say it better, I've defined my role in this family. (Something I've really struggled with in the three years since I went from fulltime professional woman to stay-at-home-mom.)
ANYWAY...part of this 180 on my part was my intention of doing a 180 in the bedroom too. But I find myself almost paralyzed. Seriously, I will think all day about initiating sex that night, and going over all the possible scenarios/excuses in my head, and by the time he gets home I am already mad at him and he hasn't done anything! You are totally right that if I don't initiate I don't give him the chance to say yes. Ugh, I HATE THIS!!!
I know, I know. I need counseling. I will try to squeeze that in somewhere between the three kids, the new house, my home business, and sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Sigh.
My advice to you is to not make any "deals" to get sex. IMO the only things you should do to be sexually attractive to your spouse are the same things you would do to be sexually attractive to a complete stranger. Only do things that make you feel stonger and more confident, not things which cause you to forfeit any part of your integrity. This is the essence of "differentiation".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Heavy, You say you are mad at him when he comes home and he hasn't done anything...what specifically are you mad about?
As far as the super wife routine, well, go you if that is what helps you feel like a better person. I'm with Mo...don't do it as a way of extracting sex out of him. It won't work. But I find that I have a much better outlook on my life when I am really throwing myself into my role as a housewife with all I've got. I am that type of person..I want to excel at whatever job I am currently holding. So I try to be a kickass housewife even though no one outside these four walls really gives a crap how good I am at it. It matters to ME. Do I get more sex when H sees how awesome and competent I am? No. In fact, I put forth a theory the other night that the more I do, the less I get in return. He started laughing and said, Yeah why IS that??!?!? (it was a lighthearted conversation and I was giving him trouble) He was seriously confused as to why that dynamic would pop up...the more he gets from me, the less he gives to me. Now, I could back off and do less for him but I prefer to let him stew in his own selfishness instead of bailing him out by sinking to his level.
Besides I feel good when I overachieve as a wife and mother--not that I have done much of that recently! I'm 37 wks pg and layyyyyyyyyyyyy-zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
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