Ive been going through some hard times for awhile now. My problem is that my husband, who is only 26 years of age, Is going through something where he doesnt want to have sex! We met each other in 2001, and from then on, we had alot of sex. But, then at about six months into the relationship, his sex desire started going down abit. I didnt think much of it. But, we just got married in December of 2003, and after the marriage thats when everything went bye bye! I asked him why his desire for sex has all of a sudden disappeared? He said he didnt know. He just doesnt get in the mood to have sex no longer? It kind of frustrates me. Im only 23 years old and I think of sex daily. I just dont know what it is that made his sex drive go way down to the point where he doesnt want to have sex. Im lucky If I get sex, once a couple of months. (But thats when i bring it up) But I have asked guys his age if they even know what I am talking about and they tell me he has something wrong! I just dont know what it is. Can anyone give me any advise on what i should do in this matter? Sex for me is a stress reliever and I Love being close to my husband, its just that he doesnt feel the same way? Anyone have any suggestions? I would love to hear from you! Help me!
Hi helpme22, Welcome to this forum, sorry you are here and sorry no one has helped you yet (it's humourous day today by the look of it). Your situation is much the same as all of ours where your relationship was fine at first and you looked forward to a perfect life but somehow it all drifted away. I had exactly the same start as you with great sex at first which I assumed would continue but by the time we were married various stresses had got in the way and it had vanished. For the whole of your 22 years I have been on 3x per year mercy sex until this summer when at last things are starting to improve thanks to help I have received here and from the books such as Michele's SSM and Shnarch's "Passionate Marriage". You really have done the right thing in tackling the problem early because otherwise the long dark years will fly past. SD
thanks superdave for your reply. i hope that I do get the problem fixed soon, rather than letting it get worse as time goes by. I have been trying everything i can think of to try to change things for the better, but it just seems like everytime i bring up the subject of sex, my H gets really mad at me. So, in ways, I dont know what to do. Im hoping that are sex life does improve and whatever stresses he does have, he doesnt put all on me and make me the one who suffers. Thanks again for your reply.
There is one thing you can try and it worked well for me although it is very hard to do. Cut out all "needy" behaviour. It is a big turn off to LDs. Never beg for affection because it has the opposite affect. I had the habit of trying to kiss and cuddle my W every time she came near me and she would instinctively push me away. I was not giving her any opportunity to show me affection because I was always there first. I have cut this out almost completely even though my arms are desperate to cuddle her. I have not told her I have changed my behaviour but she has automatically changed in response to my change. Obviously if someone is used to getting a lot of attention (even if they don't appear to like it) and that attention stops they will miss it and seek to get some of it back by initiating cuddles, kisses and even sex. It does seem to work. SD
You say your H says he doesn't know what happened? Can you think back to conversations you've had where he has given you responses? Sometimes, its hard to register what is being said when you are dealing with the hurt and anger of rejection. But I've found there is always atleast a glimmer of truth in the various 'excuses' that the LD spouse comes up with.
helpme asked: Can anyone give me any advise on what i should do in this matter? ----------------
Shoot him and put him out of your misery.
Sorry, I kind of meant that, but I know it's not helpful. My advice is to deal with it immediately, which is what you're here to do. Not doing so was the biggest mistake of my life.
Let him know how important it is to you and that something HAS to be done NOW. Get him talking about what he's feeling and what both of you want. Find a Counselor if you need to.
Hmmm, of course, barn, you know that if you shoot your wife, they'll put you in prison. Your problem will be solved, dude, because you'll definitely get more sex than you could ever want once you're there!
Ouchie.
Hairdog - there's a silver lining in every dark cloud.
you see im the one wanting the affection and he isnt. The only time he shows me any affection what so ever is on his work mornings. He comes in to kiss me good bye and says he loves me. Thats it though. There is no sex at all. Im the one wanting the hugs and everything, its just that when he comes home from work he is wanting to get out of his work clothes and sleep. Thats about all I see from him. It hurts alot. but if I just try to ignore him, I dont think it will do that much good. Because he really doesnt see things how I would like to have them.
well first off I have tried to talk to him about this and he says he doesnt know why he is like this, he just cant figure it out. Ive tried showing affection during the day and night and he just doesnt seem to respond. Then I feel hurt and just want to be by myself. He can tell that i am mad about it, but he just doesnt really do much about it. He just lets it go. So I dont know what to do now. Im stuck.
