Thanks for posting Water. I know I need to work on me, have been trying for months now. I think part of the reason I get so anxious & impatient for things to happen now is because I really wanted to have kids & since i turn 36 tomorrow, I feel that my window for that is beginning to disappear. If it wasn't for that, I think I could be more calm about it & figure that things will work out in time for us if they are supposed to.
H gave his 2 week notice at work today. One minute it is because I am there & he wants to get away from me, the next time it is because he will probably be losing his drivers license next week & won't be able to get there. It is so hard to sit by & watch someone self-destruct. I feel like it is partially my fault because he says I would never accept that things were over & move on. he seems to forget that every time I started to distance my self from him, he came back around & talked about working on the relationship.
I know he has alot of problems right now & i worry about him so much. He hurt my feelings today by saying that all I care about is me & how this situation looks to other people. If that were the case, I don't think I would have been in tears most of today, worrying about what will happen when he quits his job - he doesn't have another & he is limited in where he can work because he has a felony on his record & did some time for it. I want him to be back with me, but more than anything, I don't want him to screw up his life worse than it already is right now. I know that I am not responsible for his decision to quit but I still feel bad, if that makes sense. I know that I have done everything I can to support him, financially, emotionally, etc & it is alot more than most people would have ever done. I know it is time to drop the rope but I love him so much that I don't know how. I mean, I read about how to do it, but acting on it is so difficult. Talked to my boss about it today since I was upset & he heard H gave notice. He talked about how he & his wife got together - dated off & on in college, she moved out of state because he was too possesive, etc. When a friend convinced him that he had to completely let go - no letters, phone calls, etc, she came back to him & moved back to where he was living. He thinks if I tell H that I am done & can't do this anymore & completely back off from any communication, he will probably back in no time. Gee, sounds familiar...
Right now I am afraid that he will blame all his problems on me & our R in order to take it off himself. I just hope he doesn't talk himself in to hating me for supposedly ruining his life - I know this is not what happened & I can't control his thoughts but it is still hard to get past. Plus, he has told me in the past that one of the reasons he keeps changing his mind about D is because he sees me almost everyday & it makes him miss me. Now, he won't see me so he probably won't feel that way...
Just journaling, feel like I am going crazy the last couple days. Don't know why I am so over the top emotionally.
