at how each of you guys (and gals) can manage to keep working and working on your marriages when all signs point to the fact that things will never change. It gives me alot of encouragement and motivation to not give up myself. I admire all of you as much as anyone can admire a person that they do not really know.
As for me . . . well I haven't given up on my marriage just yet, but I have given up on being truly happy in it. I've reached a state where I'm really not unhappy either. It's just that I've come to realize that I no longer care. I've tried every second since "I do" to make her happy thinking that she would in turn make me happy. But she seems only willing to show me love in ways that are convenient to her. She's acknowledge the problem, read one book, made a doctors appointment for December and as far as she's concerned, she's done all she can do. Meanwhile, I know damn good and well that if she put even a tenth of the effort into fixing this situation as she puts into things that are important to HER . . . it would be fixed by the time I got home tonight. My only conclusion therefore is that this is not important to her.
I have become nothing more than a roomate who happens to pay all the bills. The sole breadwinner in a household that has no children other than the one I married.
I require only three things in this world to make me happy. 1) A tidy home, 2) Insignificant debt and some money set aside for a rainy day, and 3) a loving and passionate physical relationship with the woman I promised to be faithful to for the rest of my life. I have now accepted that I will likely never have any of these three things again.
I no longer have the motivation to hug her spontaneously, buy her things that I overhear her say she wished she had, or hold her while she sleeps. And whereas I used to think of trips we would take, places we would see, and things we would do . . . . I now find myself thinking of what I can do just to occupy my mind today. I wonder if I would be any happier if I were single again. Probably not. I still love her . . . Im just not so sure that Im still IN love with her. How long can you love something that takes but never gives?
So to my wife:
I've lost patience with the headaches, the backaches, the neckaches, the snotty throat, the upset stomachs, and the sleepiness. And no, Im not giving up any more of my days to wait on you hand and foot, hoping that it will earn me points. From here on out, I AM JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS YOU ARE. And MY needs will come first for me. This is my 180. My lack of affectionate touches, gifts, and spontaneous compliments is making you feel unloved you say? Welcome to MY world. You've told me before that those things are important to you. My reply was "So what would you do if I only did those things in the same frequency as we were intimate? How would you feel and what would you do?" Well we are going to find out. No has become your motto. Rejecting me is a game for you. Well I am taking that gun away from you. You'll no longer be able to reject me because I am no longer interested in asking. "Michelle is full of crap"? Maybe so, but she's made millions off of the book and her husband is happy. What about you?
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Even though I bet not one word of that makes sense to anybody but me . . . . it sure felt good to write =) Okay . . . Pity party is over, everybody back to work.
Im still here becuase I do have my happy moments. And like I said, I still love my wife. And in reality, I guess we all have some little spark of hope that things will turn around . . . otherwise we'd all be single.
Good for you, you got that off of your chest. Felt pretty good didn't it? You are doing exactly the right thing vent right here and let it out.
It sounds like you are getting to the point of doing things for you. That is also good. Be prepared that your W will notice and show a change of heart. Anticipate that and try to play it out in your head. What will you say? How will you say it?
It all leads up to that point. The door swings open on reconciling. We all work so hard and focus on getting to that point that once it happens we have failed to plan for it.
Jeepers. I actually copied your note to your wife and saved it to my little SSM Board archive. Full of righteous indignation, yet POW right to the point. But I have to ask you the same question Madfrog asks: No kids? Why are you still there? I know I'm here because of kids....but I also know that as soon as I figure out that I'm setting before her/them a negative model for a healthy marriage, I am out of here.
I feel for you. I really do, trust me, I know what it is like to live in a marriage with no sex or affection...I think I come close to holding the record here, I've had sex once in the past seven years (which happened to result in the subsequent birth of beautiful twin boys.)
But...of course it's hard to know the dynamics of your relationship after one post, but how do you think your wife sees things? I know you've said that she's read the book and admitted a problem, but it may be she's doing these things to keep you at bay - to avoid dealing with the 'big problem' whatever that may be.
Quote: Meanwhile, I know damn good and well that if she put even a tenth of the effort into fixing this situation as she puts into things that are important to HER . . . it would be fixed by the time I got home tonight. My only conclusion therefore is that this is not important to her.
What things are important to her? Have you shown an interest in them? Be careful drawing conclusions on your own. I know very well that the reality I see and the one my H sees are not always what a 3rd party would see...the mark of a fused relationship.
Your name indicates that you haven't been married long. How long? What were things like before marriage? What attracted you to W in the first place?
I know it feels like you are the one putting in all the work right now, but the only thing you can do is look at yourself. It will affect your W, maybe not in the ways you want, but you will grow. You say you've been trying to make her happy...the only persons happiness you can really affect is your own. I know that sounds a little sappy, but try it anyway. Stop worrying about what your W thinks, and think about what you think.
Quote: I require only three things in this world to make me happy. 1) A tidy home, 2) Insignificant debt and some money set aside for a rainy day, and 3) a loving and passionate physical relationship with the woman I promised to be faithful to for the rest of my life. I have now accepted that I will likely never have any of these three things again.
My first thought when I read this list was to ask you about your priorities. Would you be happy living with an LD wife if she was a spic n span housekeeper and fiscally conservative or would you tolerate a spendthrift slob if she was HD? It reminds me of the old saying "If she ain't cookin' in the kitchen, she must be cookin' somewhere else.". This saying points to the conventional wisdom that most men want wives who do both, but may be willing to settle for one or the other. You need to ask yourself why you are willing to settle for neither. I suspect the amswer has to do with your self-esteem and some other benefit that you do receive from being married to your wife. Is she very attractive so it boosts your ego to be seen with her? Is she more socially adept than you so she protects you from loneliness? There has to be some way in which you are benefiting from this relationship or you wouldn't be in it.
The other thought your list brought to mind was the old "the grass is always greener' argument. For instance, you say you want a woman who is passionate. What if you found yourself married to someone as HD as me? One of the interesting things my H revealed to me recently is that he is sometimes jealous of the fact that I enjoy sex so much. Your self-esteem might suffer if you were married to a woman more HD than you.
You don't like being married to a spendthrift. What if you were married to someone like me who was pretty much completely LD about money. My H had to coerce me into buying some attractive clothing and paying for a gym membership and my children are mortified to be seen in my piece of cr*p car (I suspect that I paid too much for it, so now I am determined to drive it until it dies.). My H likes to drink Evian but for a long time I refused to buy it for him because tap water is free and one of our bathrooms has been out of commission for over a year because I did a terrible job trying to fix it myself and I can't bear to pay a plumber. Because I get no joy out of spending money, I don't much care about earning it or saving it either. I could pretty easily get a job paying 4x what I make as a rare book dealer, but I have no motivation.
Your wife is a terrible housekeeper. What if you were married to the kind of woman who sprays Lysol on the kitchen chair as soon as you get up from it? (This isn't me. My housekeeping is minimalistic/frugal. My babies were usually naked except for a dingy gray cloth diaper and tattered rubber pants. If an item of clothing needs ironing or a gift requires dusting, I will sell it or give it to charity. I'm a good cook, but if it's August and I planted too many eggplant and you expect to be fed by me, you better like eggplant.). This might drive you crazy too. Perfection is hard to find.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Your comments about not spending money for a plumber, driving an old car, and eating eggplant are very similar to my way of thinking. I knew there wrer women out there somewhers like me, just havent met too many in person. Its good to hear not everyone has to spend it all to be happy.
Wish my W would be happy with what we have. W spent $5,200 on television shopping last year, and $2,500 each year for 2 years before that, plus anothe $7,000 on things for the house because it was "her money". Also LD.
