at how each of you guys (and gals) can manage to keep working and working on your marriages when all signs point to the fact that things will never change. It gives me alot of encouragement and motivation to not give up myself. I admire all of you as much as anyone can admire a person that they do not really know.
As for me . . . well I haven't given up on my marriage just yet, but I have given up on being truly happy in it. I've reached a state where I'm really not unhappy either. It's just that I've come to realize that I no longer care. I've tried every second since "I do" to make her happy thinking that she would in turn make me happy. But she seems only willing to show me love in ways that are convenient to her. She's acknowledge the problem, read one book, made a doctors appointment for December and as far as she's concerned, she's done all she can do. Meanwhile, I know damn good and well that if she put even a tenth of the effort into fixing this situation as she puts into things that are important to HER . . . it would be fixed by the time I got home tonight. My only conclusion therefore is that this is not important to her.
I have become nothing more than a roomate who happens to pay all the bills. The sole breadwinner in a household that has no children other than the one I married.
I require only three things in this world to make me happy. 1) A tidy home, 2) Insignificant debt and some money set aside for a rainy day, and 3) a loving and passionate physical relationship with the woman I promised to be faithful to for the rest of my life. I have now accepted that I will likely never have any of these three things again.
I no longer have the motivation to hug her spontaneously, buy her things that I overhear her say she wished she had, or hold her while she sleeps. And whereas I used to think of trips we would take, places we would see, and things we would do . . . . I now find myself thinking of what I can do just to occupy my mind today. I wonder if I would be any happier if I were single again. Probably not. I still love her . . . Im just not so sure that Im still IN love with her. How long can you love something that takes but never gives?
So to my wife:
I've lost patience with the headaches, the backaches, the neckaches, the snotty throat, the upset stomachs, and the sleepiness. And no, Im not giving up any more of my days to wait on you hand and foot, hoping that it will earn me points. From here on out, I AM JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS YOU ARE. And MY needs will come first for me. This is my 180. My lack of affectionate touches, gifts, and spontaneous compliments is making you feel unloved you say? Welcome to MY world. You've told me before that those things are important to you. My reply was "So what would you do if I only did those things in the same frequency as we were intimate? How would you feel and what would you do?" Well we are going to find out. No has become your motto. Rejecting me is a game for you. Well I am taking that gun away from you. You'll no longer be able to reject me because I am no longer interested in asking. "Michelle is full of crap"? Maybe so, but she's made millions off of the book and her husband is happy. What about you?
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Even though I bet not one word of that makes sense to anybody but me . . . . it sure felt good to write =) Okay . . . Pity party is over, everybody back to work.
