Hey I can't do sh*t and walk at the same time anymore so don't feel bad!
Last night was a nice night. H was very repentant over being a limp noodle the night before. I tried, really tried, to just let it go and be my normal self. He did say though that I was not myself. I said "I am NOT mad at you; I just don't feel very warm right now." He replied that he was ready for me to start feeling warm again. (well I guess he is!)
I am of two minds on this one: On one hand, if there are never any consequences for his actions then he will do whatever he feels like with no regard to my wishes. On the other hand, how does it help me to reach my goal to remain distant from him?
In the end, I decided to read a novel until 9:00 pm and if he was still awake, I would be receptive to whatever he threw my way (reconciliatory sex no doubt). This was at 8:45. He was asleep 10 minutes later so it was not an issue.
Yesterday I was really feeling down on myself and the realization that I just do not turn him on at ALL was hard to swallow. Today is much better though. I did get all insecure and weird on him and warn him that it would be several months before I looked like "myself" again after the delivery..no response to that. I don't care. What could he have said; it was a ridiculous thing to bring up anyway.
He is taking me on a date tomorrow night and is really excited about it. I am strangely uninterested in the whole thing. I think because he just, frankly, waited too damn long. (this is after my last two failed date attemps in July and Aug) Now he is taking me on a date on Friday when my due date is Tuesday--how comfortable does he think I'm going to be sitting in a movie theater for 2.5 hrs? Besides movies are HIS thing--I could care less if I ever saw one again. I know he is not creative and most likely couldn't think of anything else to do so I will stop complaining. Here is the thing that is really eating me--it COULD HAVE BEEN a sexy night...where we were away from the kids and on a date for the first time in 2004!!...and we could have really connected. Instead I will be fat and waddling around and people will stare and ask me baby questions. I will not turn him on, there will be no anticipated return to our home so we can get busy, etc.
So that is what I am really feeling resentful about. I will work on ditching that today, as well as any other traces of pissy mood that are lingering from the other night.
