Lately I have been trying to pay attention to the little signs that my h gives off, rather than waiting for the big bang, which aint gonna happen. They are THERE but they are verrry subtle. In fact, I sometimes miss them myself...or rather, I see it but it doesn't register until I am walking away and then I think, Wait a minute! He had his lips parted during that peck!!
I vascillate back and forth between feeling nice and loving and being willing to "encourage" him to take these small signs further and being stubborn and thinking, Oh good grief, get over yourself already and show me some REAL desire. Today is a good day, lol.
Friday night H initiated and was very horny. Now, I know that it was physical horniness and not anything having to do with me per se, but still I took it and enjoyed the attention. Then no other signs, big or small, til last night when he came to tell me he was going to bed. I stood up and he kissed me and it was a nice and engaged kiss. I knew from this that he was feeling something, but I wasn't sure what. It didn't progress into sex (though I tried!) but I know that for a moment he was feeling sexy.
One interesting thing I have noticed about my H...and I don't know if this is an LD thing or not but I suspect it is..is that their feelings of sexuality are completely generated by how sexy they are feeling at that moment. That is, my H rarely looks at ME and gets turned on but he can easily get turned on by the thought of him being able to turn me on. It is a subtle but important distinction I think. Whereas your typical HD person gets turned on by their mate and doesn't think as much about themselves. H will physically feel horny and then seek me out. This system works okaayyyyyy I guess but it is not the ideal for ME.
Again, sometimes this really bothers me and other times I'm okay with it. Today I'm ok with it but I do find it interesting how differently we approach our sexuality. His is almost entirely body-based and not partner-based. Mine would be a combination of them both, I suppose.
Last night I couldn't sleep and I wanted SO badly to initiate something with H. I woke him up and "felt him out" but there was nothing indicating he wanted to play so I dropped it. I feel like a bit of a copout for doing this. I have never initiated in the middle of the night but, my goodness, my H has. Hundreds of times probably. So there SHOULD be no reason for me to feel afraid, after all, he has no leg to stand on about it being rude or what have you. But......I wimped out. I did tell him this morning that I wanted to but felt apprehensive and he laughed it off.
Tonight, though.....tonight's the night. I think my body will rebel if it doesn't get some attn, pronto.
Well the original point of this ramblage was to say that I intend to continue looking for those small signs of his desire and draw them out. In the past, I have been guilty of getting all weird when he does show desire because I am so unaccustomed to it. I sortof pull this "what, who me??" bit when he does and it has to ruin the mood for him. I haven't done it in a while but neither have I gotten aggressive and encouraged him to keep it going. It's not really the right time for that (a little over a week to go!) but still I need to be thinking of these things so that they stay fresh in my mind. I find with H that there can be no break at all in us acting and living as lovers. We can't take a week off and be friends and then seamlessly go back to being lovers. It has to be a constant thread weaving in and out of our lives or it all goes to pot.
I think the postpartum period will be interesting. I will finally get to see him horny and dying for me (can you all say major ASSumption there!) so that will be a nice change of pace. After D5 was born, he was trying to have sex with me ONE WEEK after I delivered. This was the guy who wouldn't touch me all through the pregnancy and who was struggling mightily at that time with religious issues. So I have hope that he will have sufficient time to build up some good old fashioned horniness for me in the 4 weeks or so that I will be healing.
