My W too. Getting interested in sex just because she's there half naked, giving me an excellent view, and asking for a massage, is considered and unacceptable reaction. At no time did she indicate that it was intended as a prelude to sex. Why would I even THINK a thing like that?
Nothing happened last night; my optimism was premature I guess!
I think that I could have orchestrated the events so that it ended in ML but at the end of the day (literally and figuratively) I just didn't have the motivation. I really wanted and needed him to be more of an active participant. When I realized that I was dealing with a person whose fondest desire was to go to sleep, it sucked any motivation right outta me.
I was momentarily ticked off and was besieged with thoughts of, "gosh dammit if I am not doing all the work and trying to seduce him, nothing happens! He never takes the initiative himself...blahblah" Much resentment flying about my brain.
But I managed to fall asleep without doing or saying anything stupid. This morning I feel fine. I wish he had made a move but he did write early this morn and apologize for "literally passing out on you last night". So he did at least acknowledge that he was being a dud. (all of this stems from the fact that he made a promise to me on Sun night to give one of my body parts "attention" for the next 3 days...it was HIS idea, I did not prompt it--well needless to say this has not happened)
I wish he wouldn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep. Or, here is a better way to say it: Even if he intends to keep them at the moment they are spoken, he should realize that he does not have the right to blow it off completely. One night cause he's tired? Sure, I'm not a dang dictator. Even two nights? Yeah whatever. But to act as if nothing was ever said? That is unacceptable.
However, nothing will get discussed or accomplished in regards to this as tomorrow is D4's birthday. I will be busy getting things ready and without my constant loving and physical presence he won't be able to step up to the (extra large these days) plate. Oh well! D4 is turning 5! How exciting that my baby is getting so big. She is a really special and wonderful child, with an exuberant personality. Her humor and zest for life will keep me buoyed, I'm sure.
Mojo, Here is an off topic for you, since you deal in obscure books. Any idea where I can find a certain cookbook for children? I do not know the title or author. It was recommended to me as a present for my nephew but I can't seem to find anything resembling it. It is called "Superhero Cookbook" or something like that. With drawings of Superman et al cookin up the grub. I know this type of book is probably not your forte, but you might be able to direct me where to search, no? Thanks...
You know I am of two minds on this one. On one hand, I think it is totally reasonable that your wives desire a massage that does not turn into a bid for sex. Otherwise how are they supposed to ask for--and receive--what they need from you? If they hold back on asking for the massage cause they know it will turn into a bid for sex, then that is the breeding ground for resentment right. They should be able to ask for and receive a massage that does not always end in a grope. (I am writing this from the perspective of an LD lady...if I ever receive a massage that does NOT end in a grope I will be totally disgusted:)
On the other hand, if they are in any way naked, they should expect that this will be the natural reaction. Sex drives are a natural thing based on hormones, visual cues, etc. Accepting this as a fact of life would do these gals a world of good, instead of viewing it as something beastly that their mates "give in to".
My wife gets massages from a professional, now. I don't know if it's because I give lousy massages, or because I just give average massages and she has had some awesome ones by professionals. I do know that the last time I "groped" her during a massage was on our honeymoon. I happen to know and appreciate the fact that, when she wants a massage, that is ALL she wants from me.
Well what will fix the whole groping thing after or during the massage is if they ML to us. Plain and simply the reason they get groped is because we are starved. Seems like a very simple fix to me.
One of the whack counselors we went to a few years ago (this is the one who blamed me, as opposed to the first one--who blamed H) suggested massage as a prelude to foreplay. He said it is a natural progression to go from being naked in a candlelit room and rubbing each other with oil to getting hot and bothered and doing the nasty. It seemed like good therapy to me, but H would conveniently fall asleep during our massage sessions so I gave up after awhile. (Gave up on the counselor too!)
Quote: (I am writing this from the perspective of an LD lady...if I ever receive a massage that does NOT end in a grope I will be totally disgusted:)
I choked on my coffee laughing when I read this. I think we must be related, HP. I'm Irish Catholic on my Dad's side so it's possible.
If the book you are looking for is the "DC Super Heroes Super Healthy Cookbook", it is out of print. The cheapest used copy available is offered by Indian Path Books at abebooks.com for $13.50 plus shipping.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mo, You are a treasure! Thank you; I'm sure that's the book. My nephew, who is an ameteur chef and chemist, will love it. I knew it was out of print but had no idea where to look for it.
Irish Catholic, yes that sounds vaguely familiar. What was your father's family's name? Wouldn't it be a trip if this whole HDW thing is genetic?? And only ladies from the HoneyMo lineage have the blessing of feeling these wonderful (tho frustrating) feelings every day.....
Last night, H and I were taking a quiz that is out of a marriage building book we are reading together. (ha, if you can call it that. He's read one chapter; I've finished the whole book)
One of the questions read: We all hold things back from our mates. What do you hold back from your mate and why do you think you do this?
My answer came quickly as I told him that I held back sharing in his spirituality with him. I felt directly threatened by his devotion to his faith (at one period, I truly thought he would leave me to pursue the priesthood) and so I steered clear of it. I pointed out that I feel myself slowly coming out of this and wanting to share in it with him. He agreed.
When it was his turn, he couldn't think of anything that he held back! He kept saying how he was an open book and shared almost all of himself with me. (he has no friends or hobbies, just me and the kids) Then he says that he withholds romance and dates and the like. He says that, at the time, he views the time to-be-invested in the date as just too much. It all seems so not worth it, in other words. But then he said that he enjoys it once we do these things and wishes we did it more often. Paradoxically, he said he craves alone time with me but the planning and execution just seems like too much work. (this coming from the guy who has not a lazy bone in his body--always moving, the Non-Couch Potato Poster Boy)
I was VERY surprised that he did not cite withholding sex as something he does. At the least, withholding his sexual desire. I bit my tongue and did not put words in his mouth like, Don't you think you withhold this? even though I wanted to pretty badly!
He truly believes that, sexually, he gives it his all. So while I really wanted to point out all the ways he sexually withholds, instead I just bit it and went along with the conversation. This is hard for me.
Oh well, he thinks he slid outta that one pretty slickly I'm sure but I know that there is a whole chapter devoted to sex and I plan on nailing him to the wall then.
I AM kidding by the way. I have no intention of doing anything of the sort. I will just do what I did last night and follow the exercises without giving in to the temptation to tell him how it really is.
