Well folks here I am in the final weeks of my pregnancy and it has been a long haul. Some women sail through this and love every (stinkin) minute of it, but I'm not one of them. H has done phenomenally better with this pregnancy than he did with the first two. There was literally no sex of any kind during those and I thought at times that I was losing my marbles.
Today I feel very down. H and I had a long talk last night and I feel that he still doesn't GET ME. What I am about, etc. After all this time, he still doesn't understand what all this means to me and how paramount it is to my personality. I understand that it is hard for him to comprehend, but at the same time I feel like he must be the world's biggest dipsh*t to still not be understanding. After all, I've only told him countless times and said it in the clearest language I possibly can. WHAT is there to not understand? What can he possibly not be getting?
You know, for so long he told me what his faith meant to him and I foolishly thought that if I downplayed it or refused to talk about it endlessly (as he loves to do) that he would chill out. I couldn't have been more wrong. But, I've seen the light on that one. I now realize that this is fundamental to who he is. It is not an on-the-side facet of his personality. I accept it and dare I say I am even learning to embrace this part of him. I have to try and remember to initiate the conversations with him--this is his true love language--but I do see it and GET IT now.
He took a vacation day on Friday and we started the day by ML. It was ok, but D2 interrupted us just as I was starting to orgasm by screaming at the door, "Mommy!!!! Mommy!!" So I never finished, although he did. I mentioned that I wanted to ML every morning and every night of our 3 day weekend. Why I set myself up like this, I do not know. My HD body gets ahead of my "know better" HD mind and I suggest these things that, if I took my time and thought things thru, I would never say. He enthusiastically agreed. So that night, no sex. The following morning, nada. I really felt pissed at this. I know I had no right to make the suggestion, knowing that it had only a small chance of happening, and then getting mad when it doesn't happen, but dammit--this is MY life too. When do I get to make suggestions and enjoy it when it happens? Why is everything on his timetable? Sometimes I just want the freedom to have the kind of weekend that I want to have.
So I could not shake my bad mood all day. Logically I knew I was being a jerk but I couldn't stop it. My body feels like crapola all the time now--sex is the one thing that brings me physical comfort and pleasure. I just wanted that. It is really that simple.
At bedtime I felt myself tense and angry and a discussion ensued between us. He said that he would like to have sex but I had been angry all day and he didn't want to have sex with an angry person. I countered by saying that I needed sex to feel positive about us again. He said that he needed the positivity to want sex and that it was the silliest thing he'd ever heard to think that sex should come before the emotions! I said in a loud and clear voice, "I NEED SEX TO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU." I cannot think of any other way to phrase it. I added that I didn't look down on him for the way he approaches it--I was just telling him that I am different. If he breaks a sexual date with me (or two) I will not feel positive and will not be able to find it within myself to be nice. He said that I should be nice regardless and that my actions should not hinge upon his. I agreed with that statement but pointed out that him not wanting sex with me is making HIS behavior hinge on my own.
He said that if I wanted sex I should have initiated something. I didn't feel that there needed to be a clear "initiator" since we had agreed that we would be having sex--and lots of it--this weekend. I just wanted to fall into a nice pattern and go with it. This pattern did not include him sleeping within 2.3 seconds of hitting the hay. He used his famous "just grab it" line and said that I should go for it if he is not living up to my expectations. I tried to explain to him that I knew I could get him phsyically aroused, if I needed to, but that what I really wanted was to know that he desires me. He sighed loudly and said, "Oh we're back to THAT again." (meaning the desire...yep, Cemar, you and I can't seem to drop that rope) I told him that his words (I desire you) and behavior do not mesh, they contradict each other. I really believe that, to him, desiring someone is a bit like liking a particular food. You would never say that you do not like devils food cake simply because you haven't had it in a while. You would even go so far as to say how much you loved it and how tasty it was and damn it sure sounds good right now, etc. But at the same time, it is not something you seek out every day of your life and long periods will go where you don't eat any cake at all. Doesn't mean you don't desire it, right. I think that is how he views sexual desire, as well. So in his mind, he does desire me and quite strongly. In my mind, he desires me when his body needs release. Other than that, he is not aware of his sexual urges.
HP: I wish you would just be honest with me. You say you desire me but your actions don't back that up. Mr.HP: What do you want me to say, then? HP: I am thinking something like "I don't desire you right now, but after the baby is born I expect that I will start to again." MrHP: That's not how I feel. (loooooong pause) Well ok that is actually closer to the truth than not. I don't desire you a lot right now, but I think it will get better. HP: Long exhale........Dag NAB it. (hey folks I know it is a corny thing to say but it was better than the other choice phrases that instantly popped to mind) MrHP: You ASKED for honesty!! Then I give it to you and it upsets you! HP: Well I'm not gonna lie to you...I don't like hearing that I am not sexually attractive to you right now but it does confirm what I knew to be true anyway. You know how sometimes you just sense something but you can't get a straight answer from someone? That's how I was feeling. MrHP: (feeling guilty) Maybe we should just have sex... HP: I want sex right now, but not with you.
That's where the conversation essentially ended.
I know many of you are thinking, Honey what's the big deal..you wait a few more weeks and then go back to your normal routine. Well, this is an exaggerated version of our normal routine. All of these issues were there before I was pg, just on a much lesser scale. Back then the frequency was not the issue but creativity and spontaneity and him showing his desire was.
Today I am left with the overwhelming feeling of being TIRED. Tired of this fight to make things better. In all the relationship books they will tell you that one partner can change things for the better by themselves and I wholeheartedly believe that. What I am now also beginning to believe is that, at some point, your partner MUST step up to the plate. He has come a long way but I don't believe that he has the interest to take it any further. In other words, he just doesn't GET ME and the level of importance that I place on this.
Earlier in the day he asked what the five love languages were..he had overheard his sister and I talking about a mutual friend and what her LL was. I told them to him and he said that he thought he was Acts of Svc and I agreed. Then he said, "Well you are definitely Quality Time." I just looked at him in disbelief. How can he not understand after all this time and you folks know that I am not a pussyfooting sort of person. I tell him in plain language because I want no misunderstandings. So where am I going wrong in helping him to understand what I am all about?
Lately, I have been thinkin of NOPkins and his situation and wondering if my H isn't just so wrapped up in his role as provider that he literally can't see anything else. Wondering if we are going to come out of this fog we are in and really begin to "see" each other, eventually. It's as if he is so consumed with his roles as a provider and father that he just CANNOT be a husband right now. There is not enough left of him to go around.
Well this is getting awfully lengthy so I will sign off. Wish me luck in being a better and more cheerful person today and rising above this funk that I am sinking into.
