So, I left off just before I was leaving to "say goodbye" to my Grandmother, who lived on the other side of Canada, PEI. I relished every moment and had a really good cry at my Grandfather's grave as well. My Grammy lost him close to 20 years ago or so, and she always spoke so lovingly of him. It tears me up just writing that. I never really knew him as the last time I saw him, I was maybe 4.
She was a true pack-rat in every sense of the word. Her apartment was filled to the brink of stuff. Photos, books, knick knacks, anything. Everything held memories for her though, and she simply couldn't part with any of them. The family has teased her of this for years. Her tiny apartment hadn't changed since H and I were in town for her 80th birthday/family reunion back in 1999. I remember how important it was to me for her to meet my H. She was happy to see me with such a handsome and caring man. This reunion was held just after our 1st year anniversary. At this time, I was struggling inside with why I felt so self conscious about my body image and why my libido was waning. I was pretty much in my prime, and still the blushing bride so to speak. I felt attracted to him but I felt reserved for reasons I couldn't pinpoint. At the same time, I felt proud of who he was and looked forward to raising our own family. I'd have to say that our sex life at this point in time, was suffering. I was rejecting more often but at the same time, I would try to make it up (sexually) to him every month. As I've said before, I didn't know what was wrong with me.
This 80 yr old woman was clear as a bell. She was going to Church, dancing at social functions, and had an awesome sense of humour. Her diagnosis in 2004 changed her overnight. She was now waiting to die. Depression was so evident and it broke my heart to see her this way.
On my last day, I was sitting with her looking at the photo of my grandparents on her wall, when I told her how fortunate she'd been to have found the love of her life. I told her how touching it was to hear her speak of him so lovingly and I ended up breaking into tears. To make a long story short, I filled her in on my problem and her reaction haunts me a bit. She didn't know if she'd able to work through it herself. She was shocked and lost for words for the most part. I had been expecting a completely different reaction from a Catholic woman who raised 17 children. I expected her to say something like men need to be sexual, try to be more understanding of his needs, or be a good wife. Instead, she wasn't sure if she would have been strong enough to get over it.
I'm still kind of dumbfounded at just typing it. Maybe this is why nothing has changed in the year since I've been here? Sure, things have changed. He's embraced and now shares my aquarium hobby, our DD is now in kindergarten, and we *appear* to have a healthy, happy marriage. Reading my first post for this thread sounds as if I wrote it yesterday. I'm so sick of feeling this way.
Very touching story, dori. I often wonder what my father would have told me about my marital difficulties. I can't talk to my mom about it, because she'll just worry herself to death, and will end up sharing it with everyone. Same with my brothers and sister. My father would have given me some good advice, some humor, some strength....hmmm, kind of sounds like the SSM board.
It's so hard to lose the people that grounded us in our former years (you know what I mean...those who gave us direction and who set good examples).
I completely understand. H made the mistake of sharing our problem with my parents and now whenever they visit or call, I get asked how our sex life is going, etc. Damned frustrating and extremely difficult for me to just say, none of your business - for some reason.
Yes Hairdog, I did look up to her. For months after my visit with her, my father told me how much she valued my visit and couldn't stop talking about how wonderful I was! I ran to the stores to pick up anything she needed and ordered food in since she didn't want to leave her apartment. It was terribly difficult to leave for my flight. I was very happy to know she passed in her sleep and never suffered any pain - she simply became more and more tired and lethargic.
Anyhow, here I am, back at divorcebusting. I know nothing is going to change unless I change - so I'm ready to work on myself. I'm looking for exercises and advice to help me start feeling attractive and sexy. It's been a long time since I took much time to pamper myself - so having a nice bath at least once a week should be a good start. I can't remember the last time I took a bath. I usually take a quick shower.
Yesterday I read a post recommending a book about reclaiming your sexual desire or something. Now I can't find it! If anyone can lead me back to it or recommend any books, please do so.
Well, he spilled it to them that I was thinking of leaving (in tears, and with no one else to talk to) back in the Spring of '04 - when everything was koas here. Of course that lead to copious questions and I filled them in on our secrets to justify my feelings. They were so against me breaking up the marriage and were sure to remind me that I came from a broken home. Come to think of it, up until this enlightenment for them, they didn't even know I had been raped as a teenager.
My H will also tell my mom things. I am never sure if his intent is to try to get her to set me straight on things. Or if it is to find out things I might have told her,
Just this summer he discussed with her how emotionally closed off I am (lacking affection) and how terrible of a person I was for not wanting to have sex with him all the time.
My mom assured him that I have always been reserved in my emotions and that it amazes her the physical affection and openness I show towards my children because it is so out of the norm for me. She left the sex part alone I believe.
When I left my H and up to the point of me leaving her. He was calling everyone I knew and was talking to them of our problems. Why? He also told everyone he even slightly knew of our problems. Maybe he was just needing someone to talk to. Or he thought he could get them all on his side to tell me how wrong I was who knows. All he ended up doing is giving himself the lable of my psyco husband to most people and they still refer to him that way when they speak of him to me.
If your mom is concerned I would not tell her it is none of her business I would just blow the conversation of with a nothing has changed or change the subject. Enough times done she should get the point. I will usually just tell people I don't want to talk about it right now and its a done convo.
It isn't their business though, that's the thing. Each time I say, everything's fine, we're working on it, etc. It's getting to be a dreaded subject and I don't look forward to seeing them. Part of this is directly related to past events where I've felt disconnected from them. But:
1. They don't seem to fully believe I was raped in the first place.
2. They are my father and his second wife (who couldn't have children). She's been in my life since I was 7.
3. She and I used to be really close until I got pregnant. I named my daughter after her and she was there for her birth but our dynamic completely changed. For years, while trying to figure myself out, I'd ask her questions from time to time such as how she feels about having sex when she doesn't really feel like it. She just said she goes with it to make my Dad happy. I don't recall a real answer when I'd asked her how she'd feel if my Dad tried to ML to her while she was sleeping and she'd already said no.
No it isn't their business, so it sorta mystifies me why you'd tell them..?
It wasn't your H who spilled the beans, it was you.
Dori, I am very sympathetic to your situation but I notice that you have a tendency to paint your H in the most negative light possible when that's not necessarily the whole truth. Kwim?
Any ideas why you do this?
I'm guessing resentment. So my next question is, How do you think you can begin to rid your relationship of these toxic feelings?
One last question: Your H obviously violated a major boundary with you, regarding touching. Does he have respect for your boundaries outside the bedroom, or is he a disrespectful person in general?
I was a train wreck when I told them. I was being bombarded with questions that could only be answered with the truth. They were treating me as if I was nuts to throw away a perfectly good marriage with such a jem of a H and how unfair I was being to our children and H. They were treating me as if I needed a psychiatrist. So, yes it was me who spilled the beans, but I don't see how I paint H so negatively nor dishonestly. He handed my parents that can-opener. My parents were mortified to see him so distraught.
Yes, resentment is the toxin of my life. I'm not sure how to rid myself of it. I'm tired of living this way. I try to wake up and see beauty and how fortunate I am on a daily basis. There are definitely demons in my head and I want them out.
My H is one of the most respectful people I know. The only boundary we seem to differ on, outside the bedroom, is his brother. We have more arguements over his brother's actions than our sex life! In fact, we argued over him last night. He is very defensive when it comes to his older brother, who happens to be his only family around here. H seems to justify anything his brother does. If I mention to H that something he's said or done has offended me, he justifies it or he says he'll address it with him. In the past, I used to address these things myself, but that only led to shouting matches.
I usually take a quick shower.
WTF was he thinking? I love my mother-in-law, but I'm not going to go to her with complaints about our SSM. 