So, I left off just before I was leaving to "say goodbye" to my Grandmother, who lived on the other side of Canada, PEI. I relished every moment and had a really good cry at my Grandfather's grave as well. My Grammy lost him close to 20 years ago or so, and she always spoke so lovingly of him. It tears me up just writing that. I never really knew him as the last time I saw him, I was maybe 4.
She was a true pack-rat in every sense of the word. Her apartment was filled to the brink of stuff. Photos, books, knick knacks, anything. Everything held memories for her though, and she simply couldn't part with any of them. The family has teased her of this for years. Her tiny apartment hadn't changed since H and I were in town for her 80th birthday/family reunion back in 1999. I remember how important it was to me for her to meet my H. She was happy to see me with such a handsome and caring man. This reunion was held just after our 1st year anniversary. At this time, I was struggling inside with why I felt so self conscious about my body image and why my libido was waning. I was pretty much in my prime, and still the blushing bride so to speak. I felt attracted to him but I felt reserved for reasons I couldn't pinpoint. At the same time, I felt proud of who he was and looked forward to raising our own family. I'd have to say that our sex life at this point in time, was suffering. I was rejecting more often but at the same time, I would try to make it up (sexually) to him every month. As I've said before, I didn't know what was wrong with me.
This 80 yr old woman was clear as a bell. She was going to Church, dancing at social functions, and had an awesome sense of humour. Her diagnosis in 2004 changed her overnight. She was now waiting to die. Depression was so evident and it broke my heart to see her this way.
On my last day, I was sitting with her looking at the photo of my grandparents on her wall, when I told her how fortunate she'd been to have found the love of her life. I told her how touching it was to hear her speak of him so lovingly and I ended up breaking into tears. To make a long story short, I filled her in on my problem and her reaction haunts me a bit. She didn't know if she'd able to work through it herself. She was shocked and lost for words for the most part. I had been expecting a completely different reaction from a Catholic woman who raised 17 children. I expected her to say something like men need to be sexual, try to be more understanding of his needs, or be a good wife. Instead, she wasn't sure if she would have been strong enough to get over it.
I'm still kind of dumbfounded at just typing it. Maybe this is why nothing has changed in the year since I've been here? Sure, things have changed. He's embraced and now shares my aquarium hobby, our DD is now in kindergarten, and we *appear* to have a healthy, happy marriage. Reading my first post for this thread sounds as if I wrote it yesterday. I'm so sick of feeling this way.
