I've grown to expect these reactions from my sitch and perspective, so no, I'm not offended - at all. I'm the freak of nature here! Nice to meet you too.
No you are not a freak of nature. Hope no one offended you.
You have past experiences that you allow to control you where you are today.( Sad but common in life I believe).
I have read through most of your post. There are somethings I feel you view through googles of anger and resentment and others of us here see differently because we do not have that anger and resentment within. Also there are things that you feel are envasions of your self that others freely share again making the situation appear different to different people. Not one being right or wrong not one being normal or freakish. It is part of our individuality.
I have been married twice both of my H's have never thought twice about becoming sexual with there sleeping spouse. In my first marriage it was never a problematic thing. In my second marriage it never was until I was already so filled with rage and resentment towards him that his breathing in my direction seemed a volation of me some how. So it is not that I do not understand where you are coming from on some of the stuff you have said. I just view it a little differently then you. I will say that for the record most times under these circumstances I do wake up at some point. Which I believe you do also by your statements of you fly in to a rage. And I know my self well enough to know I believe my body is responding prior to my mind becoming alert in this situation. Which I know you truely believe is not the case with your sitch.But I will say the anal sex remarks really do not click with me. Anal sex is not a easy accomplishment with a willing partner. There are certian positions one must be in to truely be penatrated anally. These are not normal sleeping postitions for most. Even then it usually takes some doing and persistance. Sleeping pills and all I know I would not sleep through something of that nature. But that is me I guess. Not you.
Reading through your post I did notice a few things I found inconsistent. You stated that until you realized your H was taking liberties with you that you did not agree with you felt your H was a perfect knight in shining armour and you had a good marriage. You stated several times that its not like you always rejected him. But yet in other post you state that after you had your kids sex became once every few months. Okay that is a long time to noth have sex and not a good marriage at least not from where your H is setting if as you stated you felt physical touch was his main LL. Rejecting someone 20 times to one to them I believe would seem like you always rejected them. So obviously there were problems long before your H and his dubious behavior began from what I read in your words. Can you think back to what changed that made you stop wanting sex after the kids. Was it something your H did or is he carrying the burden of someone elses sins? If that is the case you are being very unfair to your H.
But what really jumped out at me on one of your post and I found it amazing no one said anything about was your description of your H from Knight in shining armour wonderful father to being a potential child molesting pervert. That is dangerous grounds to walk on for him. And so unfair to him if he has never done anything to deserve such a insinuation. This is something that I hope you have spoken to to your C about.
Let me tell you about something I don't really like talking about but the people on this board already know some of. Just how potentially dangerous that mind set is.
I was molested as a child by my grandfather. Thought I had pretty good control of my mindset about this but was always very cautious with my daughter. D about 3 spends the night with a friend of mine who had a daughter the same age. Girls mom is bathing them she starts to wash my daugthers private my daughter goes hysterical telling her no one is allowed to touch her privates on and on. My friend calls me distraught to tell me she was just bathing her and she went crazy. Sorta funny afterwards but think to myself gosh I never have to worry about this kid. D19 was about 4 woke up one night with a terrible stomach ache and fever. Took her to the hospital because she was screaming like no get out. Doctors say she has a urinary tract infection and wants to know if anyone is messing around with her. Because girls her age do not get urinary tract infections for no reason. I spend 6 hours at the hospital they call the police they question her me the whole caboddle. I was so enraged and so quick to believe what was being said that I lost all common sense. My own anger from the past and the fact that I let this happen to my daughter over rode every logical thought in my brain. I had been living with now H for about 6 months and his brother was staying with us. I left my daughter at the hospital and went to my house. I called them every name in the book and promised that I would kill which ever one of them was responsible for this. I trashed everything in my arms reach I hit them screamed and went after them with anything I could get my hands one. If there had been a gun in my house they would be dead. One of the officers seeing how distraught I was and how I disappeared came to my house and literally dragged me off of my now H.
Two days later I took my daughter to a specialist who confirmed my daughter was not molested in any mannor and whom stated that any doctor who said that girls her age do not get urinary tract infections any other way do not know what they are talking about. They are most likely to get them at that age because they do not know the proper way to wipe after a bowl movement. He then filled a grievence with the hospital not me him.
The moral to me saying this is not just what these thoughts could do to your H if you ever loose control. Like with my H he was innocent and it came out.(which had a gun been around may have been a little to late) But my point is this.
When my daughter was 15 she was raped by not one but three people. She did not tell me she did not come to me. I found out over a year later. My daugther who I loved and would kill anyone that hurt was afraid to tell me what happened for fear of what I would do and what it would do to me. She felt she had to protect those who hurt her from me. Wanna talk about a hard pill to swallow. Knowing your child suffered and had no one to be there because she knows about your past experiences and does not want to cause you the pain of reliving it and the guilt of somehow not being there to protect your own child. It is a pain and guilt worse then any and I hope you never experience it. I also hope your H never experiences what my H did. And let me clue you in on how my daughter knew something had happened in my past before I ever told her. I always asked her questions like has any body ever touched you. Has your dad ever touched you would you tell me if they had ect. Since she was a baby these were about once a month questions in our home. Not normal it was my paranoid self My foo if you will. And my actions hurt my child.
Thinking back I can not imagine what it was like for my H to be accused of such a terrible thing. Or to even know that someone anyone let alone me thought he was capable of such a thing.
Again I hope you have spoken to your C and addressed the fact that you have these thoughts about your H. I am sure in my case it was based on my own experience and if it is in yours maybe the C can give you some advice of how to calm this fear within yourself. And not let it become a monster in your head.
