We are all capable of self-deception. I have certainly found myself there before. I probably will again.
The 'list' I was referring to is not a list of 'demands', rather a list of issues. There is a significant difference. If you both discuss issues, then you can work on a mutual agreement. A compromise, something you can both agree to.
I still think that BOTH of you are being disrespectful. In the car seat incident, you admit that you were left feeling less that 'clean'. Would you allow one of your children to continually make the other feel bad about some area in their life that was just different, but not wrong?
The fact that your lifestyles are different isn't an excuse either. I know of many couples that are polar opposites. My wife and I certainly are. Personally, I am VERY glad that she is different from me. There is no a way a relationship could survive two of me :-)
I will step way out and make you a promise. If in the next three months, the two of you work toward a happy medium in your marriage, I promise you will be back fully in love with your husband, and he you.
MM, you are not alone in your relational inequities. I own a high profile technology business. I have designed instrumentation in use around the globe. I am an accomplished pilot. I also engineer and build structures of all types. I have done robotic design. One of my daughters earliest memories is the time we spent together building her robot. I have other interests as well. I only need about 5 hours of sleep a night.
My wife loves to garden, sew and travel. She is perfectly content to sit in the evening and cross stitch.
She didn't want to go back to work once our daughter was in college. Regardless, she knew that I was having a very hard time with my business, so 8 years ago, she sucked it up, learned what she needed to know and now manages day to day operations. That is a *tough* task.
I am telling you this to demonstrate two very difficult and different people that have figured out how to live together in a constructive way. I will also tell you that it is NOT an easy task.
You can find a million reasons to end your marriage. What you have to realize is that your marriage is at least minimally functional. It can be repaired, modified and improved - IF - you want to work at it. IT will take both of you to do so.
If after you have exhausted your efforts and your husband won't engage in the effort with you, then you are left to fix only yourself. In that case, you have to take whatever action you can live with.
Felix and Oscar CAN live together IF Felix and Oscar want to.
The real issue is about choices. Your husband has a right to know how serious the situation is. I don't mean yelling it at him or busting his chops or changing the way you interact with him while he is clueless as to WHY. Lay it out for him in a manner that he understands. You are the smart one in the relationship, you can do this.
Once he understands, the the process can start. Once the process starts BOTH of you will change.
Let me know what you think. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
MM confessed: I have probably tried just about every mind-altering substance known to man once or twice, but then never again and I did have sex with a woman once, but I never cheat on my taxes and I never drive more than 5 miles over the speed limit. --------------------
So let me get this straight. You've experimented with drugs but don't anymore. And you've experimented with sex with a woman and so you don't cheat on your taxes or drive fast?
Obviously everyone else here missed it, but my dirty HDM mind logically concludes that your experiment with having sex with a woman was a (continuing) success! You've simply compensated by being honest on your taxes and driving the speed limit! (And I, for one, could live with that. )
No barney, I caught that one too. However, I was hoping to learn more about the snail-trail she leaves behind her after working out. All I can say is that it's a good thing she has legs, or she'd never be able to hide anywhere.
You are a freakin' genius! It's too late to name my first-born child after you, but I think I'll adopt a dog from the pound and call him NOPkins.
Quote: You need a lot more than just sex from him.
I went to Ohio to meet my H for dinner and sex today. As I drove there, I was thinking about your advice. I still wasn't sure if I should do what you suggested. My H's oppostional nature makes approaching things straightforwardly with him quite difficult. I knew you were right in saying that it wasn't just the sex. If the sex were the only problem, the problem would be solved. We already had sex 9 times this month and I was on my way to #10. The respect issue was just like the sex issue in that I felt that it also was just a symptom of a bigger problem. Ditto for all the other million reasons I listed for wanting to end my marriage and move on.
I realized that what I wanted was a very un-PM thing to want. I wanted my H to tell me he was madly in love with me and would marry me again tomorrow if that was what was necessary to keep me in his life. I wanted/needed a grand romantic gesture in order to put the past behind me and truly believe that things had changed for the better.
This revelation put me in a strange mood. I felt sort of distant and vague when I met with my H. I knew he could tell I was not quite myself. After dinner when we were alone together I was much less HD than usual. I did nothing to initiate or even encourage a sexual encounter. I guess my attitude was "If you want it, you better come and get it.". So he initiated and we had sex, but I was much more passive than usual. I didn't help him take off my clothing and I only handled him in the way I like, not the ways I know that he likes. Basically, I let myself be completely selfish in the encounter. This freaked him out.
Afterward, I was lying at one end of the bed feeling pretty vague but content and he was sitting up rigidly at the other end wondering how a sexually selfish alien had managed to inhabit his wife's body. He looked at me and said "What's your deal?". I said very casually 'Why don't you come over here and cuddle with me?". He replied "You know I don't cuddle.". I thought about this for a minute and decided "What the h*ll. In for a penny, in for a pound.". So I looked him in the eyes and said "Are you in love with me?". He squirmed and indicated that he was insulted that I had to ask the question. I told him that I needed to know why he couldn't just answer the question straightforwardly and say "Yes, I am in love with you.".
A long conversation followed in which I pretty much laid out all the issues that I've addressed on this board and talked honestly about my lingering feelings of anger and pain and my continued inability to trust him to treat me well in the future. At first the convo went quite badly. He said "You need to leave." at least 3 times, but then resumed talking when he realized that I was actually going to leave. Eventually the tone of the convo improved and I managed to clearly explain what he needed to do and not do in order to make me feel loved and secure in our relationship. Basically I told him that he couldn't expect me to believe that he loved me if he wasn't willing to make the standard gestures of affection and passion. He tried to plead a complete inability to make such gestures due to the oppositional and irritable nature of his being. I told him the choice was his; he could choose to believe that he was incapable of making those gestures and deal with my continued unhappiness and discontent or he could try to make a change that would improve and strengthen our relationship. He said he would try and the convo ended on a calm and loving note.
I went out to my car and started the engine. When I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw my H barefoot walking across the parking lot toward my car. He pulled open my car door, embraced and kissed me with movie quality passion and declared his love in no uncertain terms.
The image of him and the look on his face as he walked across the parking lot towards me is now seared into my brain. It is so big, it is blocking out all the ugly old memories. Whatever happens from now on can't erase it. When I am old in my rocking chair, I'll still remember the moment when I knew he loved me completely.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Your encounter sounds to me like you constructed the sexual crucible, intentional or not. Congrats to you and Mr. Mojo for proving that it's not just about sex, but feeling/knowing that you're wanted and loved.
MM said: ----------------- The image of him and the look on his face as he walked across the parking lot towards me is now seared into my brain. It is so big, it is blocking out all the ugly old memories. Whatever happens from now on can't erase it. When I am old in my rocking chair, I'll still remember the moment when I knew he loved me completely. -----------------
I am so very happy for you !!
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You've simply compensated by being honest on your taxes and driving the speed limit! (And I, for one, could live with that. 
)
