MM's new thread

[MJontheMend]

NOPkins,

You are a freakin' genius! It's too late to name my first-born child after you, but I think I'll adopt a dog from the pound and call him NOPkins.

You need a lot more than just sex from him.

I went to Ohio to meet my H for dinner and sex today. As I drove there, I was thinking about your advice. I still wasn't sure if I should do what you suggested. My H's oppostional nature makes approaching things straightforwardly with him quite difficult. I knew you were right in saying that it wasn't just the sex. If the sex were the only problem, the problem would be solved. We already had sex 9 times this month and I was on my way to #10. The respect issue was just like the sex issue in that I felt that it also was just a symptom of a bigger problem. Ditto for all the other million reasons I listed for wanting to end my marriage and move on.

I realized that what I wanted was a very un-PM thing to want. I wanted my H to tell me he was madly in love with me and would marry me again tomorrow if that was what was necessary to keep me in his life. I wanted/needed a grand romantic gesture in order to put the past behind me and truly believe that things had changed for the better.

This revelation put me in a strange mood. I felt sort of distant and vague when I met with my H. I knew he could tell I was not quite myself. After dinner when we were alone together I was much less HD than usual. I did nothing to initiate or even encourage a sexual encounter. I guess my attitude was "If you want it, you better come and get it.". So he initiated and we had sex, but I was much more passive than usual. I didn't help him take off my clothing and I only handled him in the way I like, not the ways I know that he likes. Basically, I let myself be completely selfish in the encounter. This freaked him out.

Afterward, I was lying at one end of the bed feeling pretty vague but content and he was sitting up rigidly at the other end wondering how a sexually selfish alien had managed to inhabit his wife's body. He looked at me and said "What's your deal?". I said very casually 'Why don't you come over here and cuddle with me?". He replied "You know I don't cuddle.". I thought about this for a minute and decided "What the h*ll. In for a penny, in for a pound.". So I looked him in the eyes and said "Are you in love with me?". He squirmed and indicated that he was insulted that I had to ask the question. I told him that I needed to know why he couldn't just answer the question straightforwardly and say "Yes, I am in love with you.".

A long conversation followed in which I pretty much laid out all the issues that I've addressed on this board and talked honestly about my lingering feelings of anger and pain and my continued inability to trust him to treat me well in the future. At first the convo went quite badly. He said "You need to leave." at least 3 times, but then resumed talking when he realized that I was actually going to leave. Eventually the tone of the convo improved and I managed to clearly explain what he needed to do and not do in order to make me feel loved and secure in our relationship. Basically I told him that he couldn't expect me to believe that he loved me if he wasn't willing to make the standard gestures of affection and passion. He tried to plead a complete inability to make such gestures due to the oppositional and irritable nature of his being. I told him the choice was his; he could choose to believe that he was incapable of making those gestures and deal with my continued unhappiness and discontent or he could try to make a change that would improve and strengthen our relationship. He said he would try and the convo ended on a calm and loving note.

I went out to my car and started the engine. When I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw my H barefoot walking across the parking lot toward my car. He pulled open my car door, embraced and kissed me with movie quality passion and declared his love in no uncertain terms.

The image of him and the look on his face as he walked across the parking lot towards me is now seared into my brain. It is so big, it is blocking out all the ugly old memories. Whatever happens from now on can't erase it. When I am old in my rocking chair, I'll still remember the moment when I knew he loved me completely.