He's funny, physically atractive and great in bed techniquewise. His essentially depressive nature was somewhat hidden from me due to the fact that he is a cheerful drunk and we met and dated in a college town party environment. To be quite honest, I think even when we were first sleeping together, he enjoyed drinking and watching TV with my male housemates more than he enjoyed having sex with me.
I'm not denying that my H has good qualities. For instance, he is honest to a fault. He never lies and is much less capable of self-deception than moi. This is why I don't worry about him cheating on me and I didn't really worry about getting "mercy" sex. I just have to remember to never ask him for his opinion if I don't want to hear the truth as he sees it.
I also can't deny that I am still very attracted to him on some level. It's easy for me to ignore this when he's not around, but pretty much impossible when he's in the same room. It's probably kind of masochistic because the only way I can describe it is that he is "cooler" than me. I know it seems contradictory, but he is "cool" and neurotic/crabby and funny and boring to be around all at the same time.
Quote: Does your H try to meet you halfway, at times?
No. If I want to have my kind of fun, I have to do it by myself. This is the gist of the problem. I have to start doing more of what I want to do and stop humoring my H by doing just what he wants to do in order to get laid. It doesn't work anyways so what's the point? The problem is he is going to resent it and feel like I am abandoning him. He will be more sexually attracted to me because I will be more confident and attractive when I start doing more things I enjoy and acting less like his mom, but he won't like the withdrawal of my attention.
If I just insist that he does more of what I want to do, he will give me the social equivalent of mercy sex and he will ruin the activity or project for me with his complaints and lack of enthusiasm. We always end up having big fights when we go on vacation together for this reason. That is why I feel like I have to just go ahead and do what I want and let him decide just how much he wants my companionship and whether he's willing to meet me halfway.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
