Let me make an admission of guilt. I am a person who is thoroughly capable of self-deception. If I were to hand my H a list of demands and ask him to work with me, I am certain that he would hand me back his own list of demands. I know what those demands would be and I don't know if I could meet them and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to meet them.
You're right when you indicate that our problem isn't just sex, but I don't think the issue of "respect" is the real problem. When I joined this board, I was probably at an all time low in terms of self-esteem. Generally, I'm pretty impervious to my H's "Felix Unger" type comments. In fact, when he made the comment about not wanting me to put my post-exercise body on his car upholstery, my reaction was to basically tell him he was being ridiculous because I always showered and put on deodorant before I worked out, so any moisture I left on his car seat would just be nice clean water and salt. He was thoroughly unsatisfied with this argument, so I just patted him on the leg and said "Okay, I'll put a towel on the seat because I know it will drive you crazy if I don't.". So the exchange was actually fairly equitable in terms of insult/lack of respect. He made me feel kind of bad for being a human being who sweats and has tendencies towards being a slob and I made him feel kind of bad for being so uptight and anal retentive. Maybe there is a lack of respect problem in our relationship, but if so it's pretty mutual. I don't really think I'm any better, more mature, nicer or 'differentiated" than my husband. I would LIKE to believe that I am because that would be an easy out for me.
Which brings me to what I think might be the essential problem which is "lifestyle". The fact that I want frequent, varied over-the-top sex and my H doesn't is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how we vary in terms of what we want/need from life. I just want different things from life than my husband. I crave excitement, challenge and novelty. My H craves comfort, routine and ease. His idea of a perfect Friday evening would be sitting in his comfortable armchair, with his antihistamines and skin cream handy, watching his favorite shows on TV with me as a cheerful presence willing to fetch beer or prepare yummy snacks as needed. I am able to tolerate a boring evening like this only because I can pick up a book to distract myself and hope that if I'm cheerful enough and the snacks were yummy enough and the antihistamines and beer don't combine in an unfortunate way, I might get some sex. Of course, the other reason I was willing to tolerate boring evenings like this is that when you have young children and full time jobs, the energy to do much more can be hard to find.
I am not willing to tolerate boring evenings like this anymore now that my children are less dependent. Don't misunderstand. I am a total goody-two-shoes in some ways. I'm definitely not looking for drunken orgies. I am curious, not crazy or irresponsible. For instance, I have probably tried just about every mind-altering substance known to man once or twice, but then never again and I did have sex with a woman once, but I never cheat on my taxes and I never drive more than 5 miles over the speed limit.
The only way I can imagine my H and I as a happy couple once our children are gone is if we are like toddlers engaged in parallel play. He'll be going to work at a job where he has everything organized just the way he likes it and know what to expect. I'll be running my own business or attending grad school in a whole new field or teaching calculus to impoverished kids in Kenya. He'll be having a couple beers and a pizza and watching TV on a Friday night and I'll be downtown watching an improvisational ballet and eating at a restaurant I've never tried before or I'll be at the county fair watching the rodeo and eating deep fried pickles. He'll be considering moving into a condo because he wants less maintenance and I'll be thinking about living in a rustic cabin in the woods off the grid or on the ocmputer designing my dream home of the future with all sorts of cool robotic features. Etc. Etc. Etc.
My fantasy life seems overwhelming and exhausting to my H. This is why he says I suffer from "irrational exuberance". His fantasy life seems dull and depressing to me. This is why I say I feel more free when he's not around.
The reason why I say I'm the leader in our relationship is I am the one who is HD about everything compared to my H. The reason why he might say that he is the leader in our relationship is that in his opinion my HD nature is out of control and immature. I think he needs to get his *ss out of the chair and do something/anything and he thinks I need to calm down and be more content with the status quo.
If you have any ideas about how a depressive Felix Unger and a manic Oscar Madison can reach a compromise and live and have sex together in harmony once their children have flown the coop, please let me know.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
