I have studied what you have written, and I have been thinking about a plan for you. I am not sure that I have formulated one just yet.
I do agree with you that your husband is entirely too dependent on you in some wrong ways, however, I don't believe there is inherent danger in a modicum of dependency in a properly functioning marriage. Why would two people marry if they weren't going to depend somewhat on each others strengths, and protect each other in respective weaknesses.
From what you have written, I DO think your husband is depending on you in an unhealthy manner.
I don't think re-reading PM with a different frame of mind is going to solve the problem.
You are at a point in your relationship where BOTH OF YOU are going to have to work together to fix it. If you are the one that sees the root of the problem, then it will be your responsibility to bring it to your husband's attention. This time however, you are going to have to attempt to enlist his help.
Consider this. Write down an outline of the problem. Add a list of issues that are your fault, and then a list of what you think is his contribution to the problem. Be honest and concise, no additional judgment.
Wait for a decent time to talk to him. Ask him for his help with a problem Then outline the problem, and ask him for his opinions of your take on the problem. Ask him if the list you made of his contributions and yours, are correct. Then ask him how the two of you can fix it.
I know that you don't want to play 'mom' to him any longer. However, you are going to have to be the one to "call him up" to be responsible on a functional level. You can't do that by just "cutting him off" and leaving him to dangle wondering what the hell changed with you. You simply must include him as an insider to the process.
Doing this will show him that you care about him, that you value his opinion and that you want to work WITH him, not direct him, to fix the problem.
Once you have established a foundation for change, then you can slowly withdraw from your previous role as 'mom' to him.
That is where my mind is right now.
Please let me know what you think.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
