MM's new thread

[MJontheMend]

I am still eagerly awaiting your response, but I think I've had a real breakthrough. I think I understand what I was doing 'wrong" and why PM wasn't working for me in the way I had interpreted it.

As I somewhat indicated in my last posts here and on HM's thread, I was just interpreting PM technique as a way to turn myself from being an ineffective parent to my H into a more effective parent. I was reading PM as a version of the "Tough Love" approach people sometimes use with out of control children. This worked to a certain extent, but it just didn't feel "right" because I was still treating my H like a child.

Suddenly, it is crystal clear to me that this is what I've been doing ever since we first married. To give myself some credit, the reason why I did this is we had children right away and I had to put their interests first. Since my H wasn't inclined to take initiative, I felt I had to start making important decisions for the good of the children. So I became Captain Mommy and I treated my H like an eldest child who was old enough to go out and work and help support the family. I knew he was making an important contribution, so I rewarded him by making him the child who I spoiled. This has become quite obvious as my actual children mature. I do more caretaking for my H than I do for my children. I have a much 'healthier' laid back parenting style with them. For instance, I expect my teenage children to be able to prepare themselves a meal if I'm not at home or I am too busy. If they whine, I tell them that they will have to be able to cook for themselves someday and it's an important skill they should learn. My H claims that he is incapable of cooking for various reasons and so I always prepare meals for him.

It isn't a one-way street. To a large extent, the reason I treat my H like a child is that he has a tendency to act like one. My MIL is the stereotypical smothering mother and my H was her favorite child. She actually tried to take my H out shopping to buy him pants when he was in his late 30's! My H thinks that he deserves to be coddled and spoiled and he feels unloved when he isn't. On the other hand, he doesn't respect himself when he goes too far in his childish behavior and so he sometimes treats me poorly because I treat him well.

So the solution I believe is to read PM a bit differently and interpret "differentiation" for myself in my relationship as "stop acting like a mother and treating your H like a child" not as " be a calmer less reactive mother who expects her husband/child to behave".

Okay, so much for the theory, on to the practice. Last night my H called and starting giving me one of his endless bad day at work litanies. I asked myself "How would I react to this if I try not to be maternal?". This is tough because I have a tendency to be maternal in a lot of my relationships. People ask me for advice much more frequently than I ask for advice myself.( Participating in this board is a real breakthrough for me. I have a VERY hard time asking for help from others.) I can't explain exactly what I did differently in responding to my H's litany, but I just kept telling myself "Don't respond like a mom.". I guess it worked because my H said "So how did your day go?". This might not seem like a big deal, but he rarely interests himself in my activities. I didn't have a very exciting day, so I started telling him about a contest I entered at my gym. He interrupted me and basically told me that he was bored with what I was telling him. I tried to do the opposite of what a mom would do, so I said light-heartedly "Come on. That wasn't half as boring as your daily work report.". He laughed, but I could tell that I had knocked him a bit off balance. We ended the convo on a light friendly note.

An hour later, he called me back and wanted to have phone sex. It was quite a hot encounter and he brought more passion to his initiation than usual. I think I am on the right track.

My sich is probably just a variation on the old "Madonna/Whore" theme. My H wants me to show my love by spoiling him like his mother, but he is more sexually attracted to the "I don't give a f*ck" side of my personality. Every piece of evidence I can dredge up from memory points to the truth of this. In order to get laid, I just have to act like the exact opposite of my MIL. This will be pretty easy because I am not naturally prudish or smothering. The tricky part will be standing firm while my H throws temper tantrums in order to get me to start spoiling him again. I have to "differentiate" until I am able to treat him more like an adult.