MM's new thread

[MJontheMend]

I think there are two factors that are currently making me "keep bringing up reasons that I might not want to stay married". The first factor is the fact that I feel so much better about myself now. Severely depressed people are more likely to commit suicide right after they go on anti-depressants because they were so depressed unmedicated they didn't even have enough initiative to pick up the gun or swallow the pills. Perhaps I've "differentiated" just enough that I now feel like I have enough energy to leave my marriage, but maybe not enough yet to actually see my way through to real success. The second factor is that everybody in my RL who is even semi-aware of my situation is telling me to get a divorce.

Your husband may indeed be in touch with his emotions, if so, then he is selfish.

He is either selfish or depressed or both. The incident that stands out most clearly to me in this regard is his behavior at the time of my father's death. I was in the first shock of grief trying to plan his memorial service with my sisters. Instead of being supportive my H kept griping at me about how my sisters were being too bossy. I absolutely couldn't handle dealing with his complaints at the time and I just sat on the sofa and began to cry. He made no effort to comfort me and just walked away. When I confronted him about it later, he said "You can't look to me for support. I've got nothing to give.".

Is he aware that he treats you with disrespect? Does he acknowledge your strengths? Have you discussed this with him, and if so, what was the approach both of you decided on in order to fix the problem?

I have frequently pointed out to him the ways in which he treats me with disrespect. I almost think that he doesn't understand how rude he is being. This may be because his father treated his mother with complete disrespect and so he thinks a modicum of disrespect is alright. He does acknowledge my strengths. In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why he doesn't treat me better. He thinks I'm strong enough to take whatever he cares to dish out or burden me with. I've probably contributed to this with my tendency to smile through gritted teeth.

You had previously mentioned that your husband was tired of discussions. I don't know how you are going to do it, but you will have to discuss your relationship with him until he understands. You need to listen to him as well (I know you probably already do that).

The last time I told him we needed to discuss something, he turned to the children and said "I'm in trouble.". This is the attitude he brings to our "discussions". I am the overbearing headmistress and he is the squirmy schoolboy. I know I've been too much the indulgent parent in my relationship with my H over the years, but I don't know how to avoid being cast as the strict parent when I take a tough stand. I don't want to be his parent at all. I can't tell you how much I regret bringing up the issue of porn early on in our "discussions". I fear he is thinking that my stand is "Be a good boy and have sex with me instead of MBing and I won't abandon you.". This is why he does juvenile things like turning his cell phone off all day. He is an intelligent man. He knows that he is behaving like an adolescent and will even admit it when our discussions manage to achieve an adult level.

At this point, I almost think the best thing I can do is try to stop taking care of him. He will experience this as a withdrawal of my love and will probably "kick and scream" but it is probably the only way he will be able to 'differentiate" enough to meet me as an equal in our relationship. I was thinking about why I have such a hard time keeping myself from being his nursemaid and I realized that it is hard for me to determine just how much "service" I owe him because he currently makes more money than me. I think that I may have to do whatever is necessary to get us on an equitable plane financially and hire a cleaning service and feed the kids pizza for a while. Like the weight loss, this is something that really shouldn't be necessary, but it will help me to be able to maintain a stronger stand. (I should note at this point that the last time I made as much money as him and did less to take care of him, he had an EA he felt compelled to tell me about. It's quite possible he will do something like this again in order to get my attention.).

I know that it might seem like my current sexy mode of dressing and fun seeking behavior is a way for me to "act out" sexually and get other-validation. I will admit that there is a bit of truth to this, but I think the main reason why I do this is it helps me to be less like my H's mother. The next time he feels tempted to tauntingly call me "Mom" just because I suggested that maybe he ought to make a more mature or less rude choice in his behavior, he might hesitate if 'Mom" is wearing hipsters and a halter and heading out the door to a Pixies concert in downtown Detroit.

I will tell you something I have learned. It is so obvious, that it hurts, but I didn't see it. The one wrong thing that is hardest to change in a relationship, is the very thing that must be changed in order to save

I'm sure I agree with you, but I am still not sure how to proceed. Do you think I might be right in thinking that I treat my H too much like a spoiled oldest child rather than an equal in our relationship? Could this be the "wrong" thing I need to change? Do you think my plan to just try to stop acting like his mother is good? It does seem like a "hard thing" to do to me because I know there is a good chance that my H will want to go find another "Mom" rather than grow up himself. It is entirely possible that the reason that my H told me "Our relationship is the most important thing in my life." is that he is far too dependent on me emotionally. This is why I hesitate to give him a "gold star" for good behavior. He needs to figure out that the reason why he needs to treat me with respect is that he will then have more respect for himself. I think that is what you figured out for yourself in your relationship. I think your wife is a lucky woman.