MM's new thread

[MJontheMend]

I know that I am having a bit of a "midlife evaluation" as you so nicely put it.(Frankly, it really does feel like a crisis to me. )

It's an emotional time, but you are on your way to making positive changes as you renegotiate your relationship. No more enabling hubby...continue to express your wants/needs clearly in a no-nonsense way, and watch his responses. He may kick and scream, but my bet is that he will grow up some.

This is definitely my intention. I don't mean to convey that I have any plans to WAW or hit the singles bars any time soon.(Except for the fact that I am dead serious about my vow to get laid on my 40th bday ).)

I am actually hopeful that my H will do some growing up once he gets through all the kicking and screaming. 'Kicking and screaming" is a good way to describe my H's reaction to my stand. NOPkins is wrong in thinking that my H isn't in touch with his emotional side. He is VERY in touch with his emotional side, to the point of not recognizing that I might have some feelings too. He is just far too refined in his sensibilities to be able to relate to the brute desires of a hard-headed woman like me.

I also think his current job is really boosting his confidence and male ego and if that means he has to travel all the time, I am delighted with the trade-off.

What I am trying to convey is that I don't think there is a lot of room for compromise in my situation. Alpha-Mega-Mojo is back in town and FakeBeta-Enabler-Mojo is out the door. Whether my H wants to grow up and hang out with me or refuse to change and go looking for some functioning to borrow elsewhere is up to him. I love him but I can only encourage his personal growth, I can't do it for him.

It's funny that it took me so long to finally admit that part of the problem is that I am quite a "masculine" woman and my H is quite a "feminine" man in terms of behavior. I am generally comfortable with the fact, but my H is not. He wants to be more "manly" and therefore he tries to make me be more "feminine". This worked out O.K. for a while when I had babies to care for. The part of me that is most "feminine" is my maternal side. I love babies and I was happy to be a SAHM and indulge in some nesting behavior when they were little. I am actually quite grateful to my H that he was happy with this arrangement too. I would have been miserable if I had to put them in daycare.

I guess the reason I am so "masculine" in behavior generally is that I was the oldest daughter of a wonderful father who had no sons. I am a "natural" feminist (I think HDs wife is what I call a "literal feminist". She puts on a "cocky" by-the-book feminist pose to hide her basic insecurity). I have never been intimidated by men in any way. If you have ever read that wonderful book by Deborah Tanner on the difference between male and female speech patterns, you will understand what I mean when I tell you that I have a male speech pattern. My father loved nothing better than to debate an issue to death with his argumentative daughters.

When I was 15, I was sexually mature and I went out looking for sex the way a 18 year old boy might. This isn't really surprising when you consider that I had been reading the likes of Updike, Vonnegurt and Cosmopolitan magazine since I was 11 or 12. My need for EC in a sexual relationship is probably equivalent to that of the average man. I am strongly monogamous and I much prefer sex with EC, but I can enjoy it very much without too much EC. I can clearly picture myself at the age of 21 walking home in my little party dress after a hot, casual encounter with a Cheshire grin on my face.

I really like the fact that my H is sensitive and "in touch" with his feminine side in some ways. The fact that we are both kind of unisex makes us a good couple in some ways. (It might be interesting to note that my baby sister who is most like me in personality is bisexual. She is a law student at the University of Chicago and is currently in a long term relationship with a young man who used to be a woman.). Obviously, the unisex thing doesn't work for our sexual relationship. My sexual nature is masculine in terms of drive and low need for EC, but it is feminine in terms of the fact that I like to be f*cked by a strong masculine presence. My H is a strong masculine presence in bed, but otherwise his drive is more "feminine". It's not very high and he probably needs more EC than he cares to admit.