How can I explain the difference between my situation and yours? I understand your W's point of view and I understand your point of view, but I've never been in either of your shoes. I've never felt like an underappreciated SAHM. The problem isn't that my H doesn't respect me or what I do. The problem isn't that I don't respect my H. The problem is that he doesn't respect what he does or is capable of doing and therefore he treats me with disrespect.. He both depends on and resents the fact that I am generally more competent than him in both the jobs our society generally assigns to women AND the ones our society generally assigns to men. If you had a job opening and you were looking for a real "go-getter" and you interviewed my H and me for the position, you would hire me. I am much more confident, upbeat and 'cocky' than my H.
I know part of our problem is the fact that I am more "manly" in a lot of ways than my H. The stereotypical image of a woman who is a "ball buster" would be someone tough and b*tchy who is constantly yelling out orders at her poor meek little H and treating him with disrespect. I am not like that. I am constantly trying to "shore up" my H's male ego by being super-nice and supportive, but he sees my general competence as a competitive threat. This is why he is always picking on me. He senses my strength and feels the need to take me down a notch. This is also why he is nice to me when I act ditzy. The situation is so ridiculous that I often will do things like purposely lose at games or feign incompetence in certain areas.
If I were to explain the situation in the most simple biological terms, I would say that I am an Alpha female married to a Beta male. My H is a perfectly self-aware, intelligent person and he would absolutely agree with this statement. I was Alpha and he was Beta long before we met each other. We love each other dearly in some ways, but I'm just not sure if we were meant to be a mating couple. No matter how many beers I fetch or insults I tolerate, I will never be able to turn myself into a Beta female and any attempt on my part to turn my H into an Alpha male can only be counter-productive for obvious reasons. All I can do is stand proudly Alpha, refuse to be treated with disrespect, step back, let him stand on his own two feet and hope he can figure out how to be man enough to handle a woman like me.
I know I risk sounding arrogant by explaining my situation in this way. All I can say is that if you ever met us in person, you would know I am speaking the truth. This is why my mother says I am stronger than my H and this is why a former male boss of mine who knew my H quite well said to a friend of mine "What a waste. Why doesn't (H) stay home and take care of the kids?" when I turned down a promotion to a position of leadership and became a SAHM again for a while.
Part of the reason that I run my own business is that I can be secretly successful, but it sux that I can't share my feelings of achievement with my H without making him feel like he needs to suppress my exuberance. I know he has mixed feelings about the recent improvements I made to my appearance. He really could take me down a notch by telling me I looked unattractive because on some level I believed him. Now the best he can do is imply that I look "slutty' and since I don't care if I look "slutty" it doesn't have much effect on me.
Maybe it isn't his 'fault' at all. Maybe I am just not meant to be married. All I can say is that I feel much more free to be me when he isn't around. I miss all the little things that I love about him when he is away, but I also feel relieved, like a prisoner released from a chain gang or a maybe a witch escaped from the stake.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
