Sorry I am so late getting back to you. Rough day, and now I am dead tired, but I want to throw a few things at you (in a nice way of course) and I will post more tomorrow.
One of the things I have been trying to get across to a number of people is not that my wife's LD was my fault, but that it was a secondary result from a bigger problem.
It is true that she is LD, but not dead :-) She lost the ability to do it with me because our relationship was cracking badly. Our relationship had gone south, and the sex had gone north.
I talked to her about this effect this evening while I was working, and she said that the distance had become so great between us, that the thought of sex was almost to the point of being disgusting. That distance was caused by both of us.
I am NOT saying that the same is true of everyone here. Every situation is somewhat different.
I was a bit shocked to learn the depth of her feelings.
As I had mentioned, she was a SAHM. Much like MM, she took on much of the responsibility of motherhood, teaching our daughter, and running a household, all the while trying to be a supporting wife to me during some of my most difficult career issues.
As the bread winner, I was left to make a lot of decisions for our family. A strange dynamic began to emerge. I became accustomed to making decisions, and like any other hard working honest man with few emotional skills, I blindly applied good business strategies in making decisions regarding my family. Bad form.
What this means in basic terms is that I repeatedly ignored my wife as she cried and pleaded with me to do certain things with/for the family. I didn't see these issues as having any priority, after all, *I* was embroiled in doing "important stuff". My work was simply more important any of that home stuff. ANNNNK!
I respected my wife in most other areas, but when it came to her emotional needs, they were unimportant. Why couldn't she simply recognize how important what I was doing was for the family. I deserved to be admired, Right? Well, it was important, but it certainly wasn't anymore important than what she was doing, or what she was asking of me. All the while I ignored her, she continued to bury her hurt and her needs. Eventually, she gave up trying. I eventually gave up on asking her for sex.
MM, I had mentioned in another post that I thought there were some respect issues with your marriage. While I don't want to plug my situation into yours, I do see some interesting similarities between your husband and me.
A few years ago, I would not have wanted my wife in my vehicle after a trip to the gym. She might get the seat wet. I have no doubt that I intimated that very idea to her, very clearly.
I still don't want my seat wet, but it is a hell of a lot less important to me now than my wife's self esteem! What an ass I was, and I didn't really know it. What I should have done was to let her know at every opportunity, that I think she is special and loved! What in the world would it have cost me to give her such a simple gift? Was the damn seat that important? Of course not.
Respect was missing. Well deserved respect was missing. You can be a tough, self assured woman or man, and you still have the right to expect a certain level of respect from your spouse. Not getting that HURTS - sometimes a lot. We are human after all.
Your husband comes home, probably thinking he has "done his part". It is true that he has done part of his part, just not all. On the other hand, you have other expectations, and rightly so, but he doesn't want yet one more thing to have to deal with. He doesn't realize the effort you have made to "shore him up", or the sheer bulk of crap you have dealt with in his absence.
Talk to him MM. Find out what he really thinks. You can't take on any more. You can't fix what is wrong with him. He has to step up and work on his part of the marriage.
What you can do is be ready to forgive him as he begins to address issues. He is going to need to feel appreciated. You can't expect him to understand relational issues to the depth that you do now. He is male, and it will likely take him a lot longer -BUT- he CAN get it. It is possible. He also needs to know that he can still be *manly*, and address emotional issues.
If he can start changing some small issues, then you will see areas that you need to adjust. i don't think that will be difficult at all for you.
You need a lot more than just sex from him. You need his approval and appreciation/admiration for all the stuff you do. You need your 5 hugs and neck nibbles a day. He needs to tell you how much he appreciates your contribution to the marriage. He needs to find it in his heart to tell you all this and believe it when he does tell you. Appreciating you needs has to become a daily routine for him. That includes recognition of your other emotional needs, such as sex.
You need to stop thinking about divorce and singles bars for a while. As a formerly angry highly sexed but frustrated man, I pretty much understand how you feel, but you are spinning your wheels thinking that is the answer. I am not saying that at some point you won't have to consider it, but I really do still think that the two of you have a great chance at licking this problem.
I am sorry this is all a bit loose and ill formed, MM. I am pretty tired tonight. I know what I am trying to tell you, but it isn't very cohesive. More later.
Oh, and sorry to be mushy, but you know I think very highly of you, and I know you will get through this.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
