MM's new thread

[MJontheMend]

There had been times when I had fallen for H's complaints, and felt that if I could only be more organized, skinnier, less 'emotional' that he would love me more.

I would say in my sich I felt like this most of the time. My whole life became centered around trying to improve my H's mood. I think the reason why I consider withholding sex and affection to be almost as bad as actual physical abuse is that I ended up acting like the stereotypical abused woman you see in a made-for-TV movie. I was ashamed of what was happening in my marriage, so I never discussed the problem with anyone or sought help until I joined this board. I would try to hide the evidence of our SSM by, for instance, claiming insomnia if someone noticed that I had slept on the sofa. I was always worrying about what sort of mood he would be in and trying to make everything less stressful for him. Like you, I internalized the problem. A physically abused woman might come to believe that she deserves to be hit if dinner isn't ready on time. I came to believe that I didn't deserve sex because I could stand to lose 20 lbs. or I didn't get the air conditioner fixed or I wasn't absolutely attentive when my H was telling me about his cr*ppy day at work. So I was constantly adding items to my Things To Do To Keep H Happy list. I know it might seem like I am exaggerating, but I was so over-the-top nice and attentive to my H that if you took me and HD's wife and split the difference, you might get a sort of normal wife . I was also idiotic in the same way that abused wives are frequently idiotic for thinking things will change because when I finally did get some sex or affection, I would fool myself into believing that a new day had dawned and things were just great.

There are many different ways to look at any given situation. On the one hand, it is helpful for the HD partner in a SSM to lose their "victim" mentality, but on the other hand, perhaps sometimes you can go too far with that line of reasoning and end up "blaming the victim". When I read of situations like NOPkins where he knew how he was to blame for the situation or the situation of many of the LD women on the board who point out so clearly how their HDH's were in some ways responsible for the problem, I just can't quite identify. The only thing I could come up with in terms of blaming myself is to admit that I needed to lose some weight. What was most helpful to me in improving my sich was to lose the shame of being a "victim" by joining this board and interacting with other people who found themselves in this situation. I needed to realize that I was acting like a "victim" before I could stop being a victim.

I'm sorry if this analogy is offensive to some LD people on the board. I am only trying to explain how my particular situation felt and feels to me. When it is suggested to me that maybe I would be more "f*ckable" if I did one thing or another, it sometimes feels like I'm an abused wife being told that my H won't hit me if I make more of an effort with my housecleaning and always remember to keep beer in the fridge. I think I need to keep telling myself that it's NOT my fault and I will NOT tolerate it anymore.