I was going to respond to MM's response to my question on my own thread, but if you two don't mind, I'd jump in here - I'd like your advice as well, NOPkins. If it gets too confusing, I can move this back to my own thread.

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So you lose your temper sometimes, that's O.K.. At least you're being honest. I spent too many years being "fake" happy all the time to balance things in our relationship because my H was such a crab. It was important to my self-worth to have a "good marriage" so I did whatever was necessary to project that image superficially. I got so good at it, I even fooled myself half the time.




I've spent a lot of time doing the 'fake' thing as well, 'cause like you, it was important for me to have a 'good' marriage. I wanted to keep the peace...

I remember a couple of weeks after I came home w D8, who was a VERY high needs baby. H was getting in his 'nervous' state, and complaining constantly about the state of our apartment. Finally one night, I stayed up, and cleaned up as best I could, to stop the complaints. H never said a word, and the pattern was started. I suspected H was feeling 'left out' since I was so involved with the baby, so I did start to just wait on him a bit, thinking that's what he needed. Of course it just grew...

By the time the twins were born, I had realized that I was making myself miserable by 'expecting' help or emotional suport from H, so I sort of shut him out. I remember when I went back to work when the boys were about 1.5 yrs old, and someone asked me how I had made it through the last year. As I starte to tell them, I got this feeling of incredable strength and calm. There had been times when I had fallen for H's complaints, and felt that if I could only be more organized, skinnier, less 'emotional' that he would love me more. That night, I realized that I was strong.

Shortly after that I went to my 20th Hschool reunion. I was definately *not* a popular person during HS, sort of into my own thing. Suddenly, everyone was interested in my 'fascinating' life, and I got so many compliments from the women at how good I looked, and a most of the guys there alone tried to pick me up, which was also a great boost to my ego!!! So I wasn't the old rundown 'mom' that I was beginning to believe myself to be.

It was after that I brought up our sitch w H, and he told me there was no way he could consider having sex with me since I was so angry all the time. The following months were horrible, H was sure I hated him, and got defensive at everything I said, I would get angry and shut him out, or just walk away. I would put my foot down when H would start taking out his anger by yelling at the kids, and somehow, we've managed to keep them out of it pretty well. I have four very well adjusted kids, by anyone's standards. I have gone out of my way to make them understand that mom + dad's fighting doesn't have anything to do with them, and I refuse to say anything bad about their father to them - and at the same time 'stick up for them' when he gets angry. They know they can trust me, and even their dad. H has made BIG strides in that department this summer.

I spent the summer a year ago alone with the kids in the States. The kids, by the way, were great, and we had a wonderful time. It was wonderful for me to get to share some of my childhood with them (the girls had been before, it was the boy's first trip). It also gave H+I some time to 'cool off'. Things were rather strained at first when we came back, but once H realized that I was not planning to leave him right away, he calmed down.

Last year I decided to back off. I felt there was no way I could get out of the M, nor did I want to - for the kids sake, so I decided to try to keep my cool, hoping that would improve things between H+I. Of course, most of what it did was feed my resentment, and I did come close to starting an EA with an old friend.

That's when I found you guys...This evening got rather hairy, H+I are going to be gone all day tomorrow, and since this was my first week back to work, things were not all that tidy around here...I asked H to pick up the cardbord boxes from the girls new desks that had been lying in the hall all week, and H said that he had left them so that I could throw them away. I asked him to do it.

He then started getting upset with the kids about leaving their things around, in a very loud voice, getting everyone upset just as I was trying to get them into bed. I finally went downstairs and asked him to cool off so that I could get everyone into bed, as it was late. (I was not very cool myself, I'm afraid.) H started yelling back at me, and I finally told him that if he couldn't cool down, then he could leave. H said 'you should think what you are saying'. I'll admit I've thrown out the D word before - not for a very long time - in the heat of the moment, and H has known that I couldn't back it up, so I have lost credability in his eyes.

This time though, I didn't back down. 'I do know what I said, and if that's what it takes to get things to cool off here, than that's what I want'.

I know I'm not an organized person, and I understand that H needs a certain level of organization to function. But it's not at all like I'm just sitting around doing nothing, and I know that if H weren't so condiscending about it, things would go a lot better. (yes, I have said that to H)

MM, your answers to NOPkins' questions are very similar to what I would have said( my children are still much too young to have anything but utmost adoration for their mom - though D8 is getting good at letting me know when I've overstepped my boundaries ) . I understand your 'spacing out' as well. I've always put it down to my needing time to let my mind wander - that's how I recharge. I suspect it's a sign of a very creative mind, allowing yourself to dream. I don't think anyone should feel the need to defend it. We all should do a lot more of it.

I'll stop for now. MM, you no longer have to feel bad - I most definately just beat you for the most blatent hijacking of a thread