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[MJontheMend]

Do you feel like a "second class citizen" sometimes around your husband?

Tricky question. I used to tell my H that he loved me the way Mr. Brady loved Alice. I think I made myself into a bit of a servant by my constant attempts to cheer him up so I might get some sex. The worst side effect of this lame behavior on my part is that I fear that my son thinks women express their love by fetching beer for men. On the other hand, I frequently take on responsibilities because my H claims he has no skill in that area or tells me I ought to do it because I am smarter than him. For instance, I changed all the diapers and I always do our taxes.

Does he make statements or judgments that make you feel slovenly?

He did this all the time before my recent weight loss and wardrobe renovation. He was constantly telling me that he didn't like the way my hair looked or that my clothing was unattractive. To be fair, he often said these things in a joking manner and he is picky about all sorts of things that have nothing to do with me. Now, he complains that my clothes are too sexy.

Does he make you feel like he is doing you a favor by doing something you ask of him, including sex?

Frankly, I rarely ask favors of him because it's easier to do things myself than deal with his potential annoyance. He doesn't act like he's doing me a favor by having sex with me, but he frequently would get angry if I "pressured" him about it. I think one of our all time lows was one time when I made the mistake of bringing up the sex issue when he was telling me how much he hated his job. We were in the car and he yelled "F*ck You" at me. I, of course, responded in my typically wimpy way and started crying, apologized and suggested that he buy a new motorcycle. Looking back on this incident from my current perspective, I can only plead temporary insanity.

Are the two of you equitably involved in your relationship?

Another tricky question. My mother is an over-the-top manic depressive, but she is a very intelligent woman. She often says the kind of true but cruel things that most people suppress. Recently, she figured out that things might not be going too well in my marriage. She spewed out a lot of garbage about how all men are *ssholes, but the thing she said that sticks with me is "You know you are the strong one in your relationship. I don't like the idea of you feeling like you have to spend the rest of your life "holding his hand".".

I guess what she meant and what is probably kind of true is that in Schnarchian terms my H "borrows functioning" from me. His crabbiness is a signal to me to summon up some more "functioning" for him to borrow. Superficially, it might seem like he bosses me around, but really it is more like he thinks I have more resources so I should contribute more, sort of like a communist version of an equitable relationship. It is revealing that when he first went into a "crucible" because of my strong stand, his reaction was to get upset and say that even though he knew he was the one who was behaving badly, he was afraid that I would be the one to "leave him squashed like a bug". I am actually afraid that he might do something "desperate" if I left him, but this might just be me being overly anxious.

You had mentioned that your kids think you are 'goofy' and a 'space cadet'. Are those fond playful opinions, or do they have a deeper root?

I think you're "leading the witness" with this question. I am very absent-minded and have been since the age of 5 according to my kindergarten report card. I am frequently "lost in thought" to the extent that I used to sometimes walk into my children and knock them down when they were toddlers. I actually recently went to a psychiatrist to see if I maybe had ADD. Her verdict was that I didn't and she also ruled out the possibility that I was manic-depressive like my mother. She did suggest that I probably suffer from some Type 2 depression and that is why I sometimes fall into "leaden paralysis" cookie binges.

But back to what I believe was the intent of your question. Does my H's crabby criticism of me cause my children to treat me with less respect than they should? I think this might be somewhat true of my son, but not at all of my daughter. She is a definite "Mommy's Girl". My son does know that I am quite intelligent and this is the character trait he most values, so his disrespect is probably more due to teenage surliness than anything else. He spent a few weeks this summer traveling with my completely emotionally-fused MIL and experiencing the way my H's crabby sister runs her household. He came home with a heightened appreciation for my laid-back "space cadet" parenting style.