I'm having a tough time getting any bb time - work is very busy and with IL's at the house and H home with bad back, I can't seem to get on the bb to see what's going on with everyone. Today we're going to help IL's unpack at their new place.
I'm finding myself slipping into my old ways lately. I hope it's not because on not on the meds anymore. But, I'm getting back into my old negative thinking, mostly because I'm so overburdened at work and that carries over into everything else. And of course it's hard to have the IL's as guests for this length of time. I've been trying to keep up my habit of stopping at the coffee shop on my way home for a frozen latte - otherwise I would not have any alone time at all.
H is being very upbeat considering the strain of parents being here and his back. I believe he's pretty happy that things are back to 'normal'. He will never be as affectionate a partner as I would have liked, but that's the way he is. The intimacy portion of our R is still on hold so that remains a big question. The problem is that he's an LD content with infrequent sex, and I end up feeling unloved, undesirable, and very angry.
I suppose soon I should move over to the SSM group.
At least H is very anxious to rent out the apt, which can only mean he's planning on staying home. It's almost as if my H speaks in code and sometimes it's so subtle that unless you spend a lot of time thinking about it, you miss what he's saying. After being around his mother, I'm beginning to think I know why none his family can be direct about anything, they all seem to speak in this code of polite superficial talk that obviously means something else sometimes. H's mother is the only one who's 'allowed' to be direct I guess. I'm beginning to see that in her way, she's just as controlling and judgemental as my own father but does it in a completely different way - it's taken me 14 yrs to recognize it.
My family dynamic revolved around everyone making sure we didn't do anything to make my father mad, and keeping anything from him that would. H's family is the same with his mother, but instead of anger she uses constant relentless talking about it (even 30 yrs later). Just like my father, you can't contradict her, because they are always right. Of course, I can't help giving my father a little more credit because he more often knows what he's talking about, while MIL does not.
Sorry for all of this babble but I'm thinking out loud (or out write!), trying to develop better ways to deal with the things that lead me away from dbing. I already know that the best way of dealing with them is just stop defending a position, which works. I'm afraid I can't go so far as to validate yet with people other than H.
I'm truly a work in progress - I just didn't realize how much work is left to do.
