Thanks for checking in. I've been having a hard time getting any time on the bb since before my vacation. Work has been crazy and home is busy since H hurt his back and can't do much around the house. And now IL's have been at our house since last Wed waiting for their furniture to arrive at their new home in MD. MIL is driving even H crazy these days - it's too rainy (Hurricane Ivan), it's too cold (70's), the river is so muddy (we're only crossing over a it on a bridge), her new (temporary) apartment is very, very tiny (not at all), FIL has too many boxes of books (at least he has a hobby), MD is colder now than when she used to live here, yada, yada, yada. I understand now why the family history is made up of a million stories involving not telling MIL about things.
I'm having a hard time swallowing that H thought I was too negative - you would think he'd be used to it. Anyway, I just hope she doesn't send H into a tailspin. I think he's getting pretty depressed about his back condition. No bicycle or motorcyle rides for over 3 wks now. He hasn't even been to work since our vacation.
Otherwise, I think things are going very well. I'm still amazed and thankful. I suppose the one big negative is the fact that there has been no discussion of what happened and our 9 mo. in-house separation. But that's my H - never have a discussion when you can avoid it.
It almost seems as if the whole thing never happened, but I'm constantly reminding myself not to return to my old ways because it was not just a bad dream. And of course everything is not completely normal. Who know's if you ever regain that special closeness that we all took for granted. And will I ever feel as if I can stop weighing my every action and word ahead of time. And of course, will I ever stop thinking he wishes I hadn't regained the weight I lost earlier this year when I didn't eat for a month.
Interesting - My C just called to see how I was doing - I stopped seeing her in August. She was very cool.
Here it is the end of the day, and I'm still trying to finish this.
Your H's exposure to negativity from his Mom probably makes it more important that he does not get it from you. Instead of becoming immuned to it, he likely grows tired of it.
Keep looking at the postives and remember the best time to discuss the past 9 months is after you are on more solid ground. Then you must decide if it is even necessary.
I think you can re-gain a special connection with your H. It will be a new conncection that will be different than before which means it could be better.
I think it is normal to wonder what may be going through your H's mind. I often view my words and actions as a mine field that could result in an explosion at any time. I stepped on one recently. I need to learn this too but don't obsess over it.
Make sure you keep working to make your changes permanent and one day we want have to worry about slipping into our old ways.
I just been back from business trip yesterday. I found out my W has taken half of her belonging away. This morning she took the other half out and moves out from our house completely. I hugged her when she leaft amd wished her good luck, hope she finds her happiness.
I'm having a tough time getting any bb time - work is very busy and with IL's at the house and H home with bad back, I can't seem to get on the bb to see what's going on with everyone. Today we're going to help IL's unpack at their new place.
I'm finding myself slipping into my old ways lately. I hope it's not because on not on the meds anymore. But, I'm getting back into my old negative thinking, mostly because I'm so overburdened at work and that carries over into everything else. And of course it's hard to have the IL's as guests for this length of time. I've been trying to keep up my habit of stopping at the coffee shop on my way home for a frozen latte - otherwise I would not have any alone time at all.
H is being very upbeat considering the strain of parents being here and his back. I believe he's pretty happy that things are back to 'normal'. He will never be as affectionate a partner as I would have liked, but that's the way he is. The intimacy portion of our R is still on hold so that remains a big question. The problem is that he's an LD content with infrequent sex, and I end up feeling unloved, undesirable, and very angry.
I suppose soon I should move over to the SSM group.
At least H is very anxious to rent out the apt, which can only mean he's planning on staying home. It's almost as if my H speaks in code and sometimes it's so subtle that unless you spend a lot of time thinking about it, you miss what he's saying. After being around his mother, I'm beginning to think I know why none his family can be direct about anything, they all seem to speak in this code of polite superficial talk that obviously means something else sometimes. H's mother is the only one who's 'allowed' to be direct I guess. I'm beginning to see that in her way, she's just as controlling and judgemental as my own father but does it in a completely different way - it's taken me 14 yrs to recognize it.
My family dynamic revolved around everyone making sure we didn't do anything to make my father mad, and keeping anything from him that would. H's family is the same with his mother, but instead of anger she uses constant relentless talking about it (even 30 yrs later). Just like my father, you can't contradict her, because they are always right. Of course, I can't help giving my father a little more credit because he more often knows what he's talking about, while MIL does not.
Sorry for all of this babble but I'm thinking out loud (or out write!), trying to develop better ways to deal with the things that lead me away from dbing. I already know that the best way of dealing with them is just stop defending a position, which works. I'm afraid I can't go so far as to validate yet with people other than H.
I'm truly a work in progress - I just didn't realize how much work is left to do.
I hope the unpacking for IL's went well, and they can get moving into their own place. Having M problems is bad enough, but then having IL's to deal with in your own home has got to be a formula for some major stress!
You do sound great! What a difference it can make to be able to "see" yourself falling back into old habits, be able to recognize that, and then do something about it. If you know that you need some time alone, then make sure you get that time. You also need to take care of you while working on the M.
I know only too well about the talking in code. Last weekend we went to a garge sale for a bedroom set and the only thing H said was that it was for the bedroom upstairs, along with the fact that he thought it would match the wood in the room. First of all the wood doesn't even come close to being the same color as that in any of the bedrooms, and we have 3 bedrooms upstairs. If they are going to talk in code, then PLEASE give us enough clues so we can decode their talking.
I think that H wanting to rent out the apartment in a milestone and something that you can hang your hat on!
