Guess I'll try to update goings on here, it's been wild today and I havent gotten much posted. Last night when I when to pick up S at religous ed class, I was waiting in the big central room and in walks...yup, OW. Yakking on her cell phone (damn dog should have buried it deeper!) my stomach lurched, but I just glanced calmly at her and then ignored her. she went around behind me somewhere, and then when I turned to start out the door w/S, I looked up and saw she was out the door ahead of me like a shot. When I got home, I told H, who looked irritated (at her) said she'd mentioned those were the kids her D was used to going to class with, so she was going to keep taking her there. the b---h. Thank god I'm taking S to class again this year. I asked H if she called him, since she was on her cell, and he said "you mean tonight? no"...so I asked if she has been calling him, and he said she calls him sometimes at lunch hour at work, and had yesterday ....I was not happy at all, and told him so. He said it isnt very often, and mostly when she calls she just gripes at him, and they don't have much to say to each other. said he hasnt been calling her ?????? I hope. I told him that if she's still calling she's still emotionally invested and still hoping to get her hooks in him. He said "if that were true, wouldnt you be pleasant and nice when you call some one instead of bitching at them? I told him I would, but that obviously isn't her. H said he is convinced it is a process of her being able to let go, and that the only way she will let go for good is if he lets her "get it out of her system" ???????? but that it is at that point. He believes she'll have somebody else in a few weeks, and that will be it. Said he feels relief, and believes that to some extent she does as well.
Then we talked for several hours about all this again. H said again H was sorry for talking about it, and I told him (again) that for some odd reason that I can't explain, it helps me feel a lot better. I told him I guessed it was like shining a flashlight on the monster under the bed, that just knowing what you're dealing with makes it easier, but that I wished this one would just go away and stay away. He put his arms around me and said "There's no monster there". He seems so sincere, I don't want to be a sucker but I do believe him, his entire demeanor is different now. As we were talking, he said that OW is so upset she sick, cant keep any thing down and has diarhea so bad she is having to take prescription meds, and he is worried about her and wants to make sure she stays on top of it. Manipulative B---h! H said a couple of weeks ago she asked him if he was "going to work things out with Deb" and he told her "yes". Said she got kind of nasty about that and started saying well then, the best woman won, the best woman won" and just kept saying it. Then H said I should get a t-shirt with that on it and wear it to work....told him I'd get sent home for violating the dress code, but I could probably at least walk down the hall by her office a couple of times before I got caught. H said "you could even go into her office to talk to the other nurse about something, and when she mention it say "yeah, H got me this"....so he was being a devil, hehehehehe.
H said he told her he has been telling me all about "everything" (havent heard and don't intend to hear details about sex) told her "I mean EVERYTHING" and he said that upset her, she didnt like it. H commented, "I guess I can understand that, it is personal, but it's not private any more". maybe that's part of what helps me to feel better when he talks about it. That and i see in his face that he is FINALLY being honest about it.
H said that he decided he was going to stay the end of January, but he knew that thing were going to have to die off for it to be able to end, and that it had to be a process. I've heard that before from him, kind of understand but still??????. That you can't just toss someone you've been close to out like a piece of paper (it would have worked for me if he did!)
I am still finding out that she said a lot of the same things to H that I do, and that ticks me off to no end, but oh well. This morning we were STILL talking, and I told him I just couldnt comprehend my life without him, that I knew I could do it, but I had a hard time picturing it. H said "I know, I can't comprehend life without you and being here". I told him "I don't think any other guy could measure up"....and he said "oh my god"...when I asked "what?" he said "she said the same thing".....I think I just walked off on that one.
Then he told me that she always called him "Cheesecake"...something she loved but can't have (lactose intolerance)....I said "well, at least I never called you cheesecake" and he said "I don't think it was a term of endearment"....
So, a couple of emails this morning, not too mushy. I know H is busy, he is training a new secretary and a new clinician for the outreach office, so it's been a hectic week. Still, I've been pretty irritable with the knowledge that she's been calling him, even if it isn't often. So, I decided H needs a little gentle kick in the pants even as I'm working on still making sure he's drawn back tight. So, after a meeting, I stopped by a florist's and bought myself a few roses arranged in a bud vase. put them on my desk where they can't be missed. H stopped by after work, and didnt say a single word about them, but I saw him look at them 3 times...yep, I was watching. If he says anything about who are they from, I'm going to say "you mean you didn't send them?" and act like I don't know where they came from.
As he was leaving, I told him I'd missed him today, and he said he missed me too, and I backslid -- I said "Oh sure, as you were chatting on the phone with someone else at lunch" - bad, bad, dbing - and he looked a little hurt and said "I wasnt talking to anyone, didnt all day"....I shouldnt have said a word, but I am still irritated. Of course, that would play right into the manipulative b---h's hands, to let her make trouble, so I figure I've said my piece and now I'm going to drop it. I've learned that H really does take think I say to heart and consider them much more than I ever knew, he just never lets me know until a lot latter. I told him I was looking forward to having some time together, and he said "well, come home early"...so that's good.
OK, I can not resist this one. I am going to do it. I'm going to get "Best Woman 1" or maybe "won" printed on a t-shirt, and I'm going to wear it on casual days to work. If she complains I'll look blank and not have a clue what she's talking about (don't want to be creating a hostile work environment). I think I'll get a shirt for H with "cheesecake" on it. That is pretty hostile, he probably won't wear it, but oh well! Actually I was thinking this afternoon I could get those beads that you string together to make a necklace that are letters and spell out "best woman" and then hang a 1 in the middle of the front as a pendant. tacky, yes, but fun......
