i'm so far behind, being off the bb 4 days, I'm not sure what to post. I need to post for journaling because I find I tend to forget all that transpires if I don't, there's so much going on. so, guess i'll try to just post day-by-day, and then I need advice...big time, I think.
So, lets see, Thursday, I came to owrk in afternoon and worked late, not much interaction w/H, I've been sick (sinus infection and bronchitis) and S and H have been also.Hard to feel crappy physically and deal with this other stuff. I did get an ILY email from H that day, and when I got home he was watching tv in his recliner, almost passed out, instead of lifting weights/exercising as usual.
--Friday I came work for my usualy 1/2 day, came home to lunch w/H, he wasnt feeling well still, we napped, puttered around the house. We did ML that night, but H seems kind of withdrawn, "down"
--Saturday, H is exhuasted....we take an early afternoon nap....really do sleep, I'm feeling so crappy it's probably good, but starting to feel horny. After we get up, I comment to him "you know what's going to happen before long, don't you?" he asks "what?" and I tell him "soon I'l have to rip your clothes off and have my way with you"...just joking, but WRONG thing to say at the time....he gets really upset/angry and say's "I'm NOT feeling like that now!!!". And, DUH, it dawns on me just how much he really is grieving this breakup. later I go to him and tell him that I'm sorry for being so insensitive, that I understand things are very difficult for him, and wish there was something I could do to help. Tell him ILY....he starts to get weepy and wistful and tells me that he's more sick emotionally than physically. went to inlaws for nephews b-day party, H is "grumpy" and with drawn, on the way home he talks about how aggravated he gets with them, how he's sometimes "about ready to give them up".... Several times during the day on Saturday and Sunday, H said ILY unsolicited....H DID NOT go do "office/paper work" Saturday, never even said a word about it. So, that explains that, I was right all along, he's been going to be with her. Also, suddenly I notice in the checkbook that H's "gasoline" expenditures dropped from $100.00/week to $20. Imagine that.
--Sunday, We go to D & SIL's for supper. H is quiet, withdrawn, sad. He does his weights in the afternoon, complains of not feeling well. I come out and ask him if it's physical or emotional, he says "both", and gives me the saddest look. Later he tells me he's feeling really sad over "this break-up" and it's going to take time for him to work through it, but that he will be ok...We took a nap in the afternoon, and I'm not quite sure what to do, so I'm backed off physically from him, and he says "arent you going to hold me?" very wistfully, so of course I do hold him.
Yesterday-Monday, the flood gates are suddenly opened. S stayed allnight Sunday with a cousin, so we were freer to talk. H walked for about three hours, I asked how he was when he got home and he said "ok for as close to crying as he was"....he had no appetite....we sat and talked(he talked, I listened and tried to validate) for most of the afternoon...he talked about how he thought I didnt care and would just be glad to see him go (?????!!!???) and so he fell in love with her and it wasnt just a fling, how she had told him he had to much integrity to ever get a divorce and she admired that, how he had told her he would never leave our home/family, that he was sick of the sneaking and lying and it was making him sick, now maybe he'll get over his sinus infections, stomach upsets, etc.,; that it was not going to go anywhere so it needed to end but it was so hard, it wasnt just a fling. He talked about how he always told her about how smart I was, how much better I was at everything and that it would infuriate her (?????!!!!!WTF) and she would say "cant I be best at ANYTHING"? I didnt ask but I cant figure out why he would tell her stuff like that??????? It would sure make me mad...I guess he even told her she painted her bedroom too dark a color, and what I would say she should have painted it?????....which really didnt go over well. He told me he had always hoped we would "work out", that he wants to do things as a family and just us together, that he thinks part of what we did wrong was not enough "couple time" (I believe he's right) and that led in part to us losing track of priorities. He put his head on my shoulder and cried numerous times....Talked about OW being a good person ( after he told me last week what a bitch she is) and how that makes the break up so much harder....He said I was right, that we had to get the other person out of the relationship to see what we have****(?????), talked about that he wants to go by ourselves to a favorite really old hotel in D's college town....how he's looking forward to our short trip the end of October...Sometime in the conversation, he said if I was going to throw him out, now was the time to do it. He also said that she became very demanding, wanting him to do things especially towards the end, that he would say "I'm not ready to do"...I was tactless and asked "what" and he was quiet, then said, "not come home, she would always say "stay, just don't go home, and other things.... which is not a good way to get me to do things". So, listening between the lines, I feel pretty sure I know what happened, OW gave him the ultimatum and it backfired. My heart is in my throat hopping he doesnt go back though. H also commented "I always came home and was always on time though" as though it's a point of pride with him???? I validated and said "yes you did, and I was always so glad you did" even though I wanted to choke him.
H actually commented "you really had an excellent strategy in this thing" (WTF?) meaning the "act as if" and backing off, the 180's, letting her be the one to make demands while I concentrated on making home "great"....he talked about that being how he knew I loved him unconditionally.
Weird thing is, I had such an overwhelming mix of emotions, I cried and cried and cried. I would have thought I would be overjoyed, which I'm happy, but I'm also very sad at his pain, terribly sorry for my part in contributing to where we got to, frightened that he will go back to her, frustrated that I can't do much to help him (he even commented that it's his grief that he'll have to work through).
D and SIL rented a movie and chips and dropped by yesterday evening (we didnt have much alone time this weekend even with S being gone some)....after the movie H just left the room and went to bed. I said good bye, saw the kids off and closed the house up, went up to bed, and H said he was sorry, but he had such a headache and was getting so tearful he just had to go to bed. I snuggled up to him and held him, and he said he liked that and it helped him. We talked and cried quite a bit even after going to bed, I told him I wasn't sure where my tears came from, he said it was probably from being so anxious for so long, but that I didnt have to worry anymore, that we would be fine.
In the middle of the night, it was weird, I woke up and he was out of bed the hall light was on, so I knew he'd gone downstairs, I don't know how long he was gone. Maybe he was back on the phone with her, don't know what to think. he came back upstairs shortly after I woke up, got in bed, said "can I hold you for a while, I was missing you, I had a bad dream" and pulled me close. I went back to sleep with him holding me.
This morning when we went to do chores, he seemed more cheerful. After he came in the house, he went to the basement and came up with a CD. I was packing lunch in the kitchen and said "special CD?" he said "Tom Petty, I like that & thought I'd take it", went out to the garage and was gone quite a while....just unusual "stuff", and of course since my heart is in my throat, I'm so on edge.
I emailed him this morning to ask how he was as I didnt hear from him, got a response that said "oh, I'm ok" but not very enthusiastic....said our business is down, which doesnt bode well, of course. I replied and havent heard anything else.
Can some of you wise veterans help me pick out the pertinent points here?
