This past weekend was odd, good I guess, nice, certainly, but I have learned that reading too much into things only sets me up for disappointment, so I am very cautious.
Just to recap, Thursday was a really bad day for me, H was on phone w/OW when I went to bed early Wednesday night, and I "sorta" lost it....actually I thought I did a pretty good job of expressing my frustration without being accusing, but of course he got mad and I cried....that's the "losing it part....then Thursday we had an email conversation and I got this response from him "I LOVE YOU TOO. I don't know what happened for those 10 long years, but it was so great in the beginning and it has been so much better for the past 6 months. Please just hang in there today." He promised to be home by 8:30 from his long walk that night so we could have some time...he actually got home about 10 after 8 just after me. asked if I wanted to watch some tv or something, so we did, in our usual spots and then he said "I'll sit there with you if you'd like" (on the couch)...of course I liked! so he came and sat with his arm around my shoulder for the evening. We ML Friday, Saturday AM he left for "work", before he left I hugged him and told him I treasured him, and he pulled me close and held me and said "you're my treasure too".....I swear, he sounds so sincere. He got home about 1, complaining he didnt feel well, I put my arms around him for a hug, whispered in his ear that was because he wasnt spending enough "good lovin" time with me...he held me tight again and whispered in my ear "you're absolutely right". Saturday evening it was so pretty, and he asked if I wanted to sit on the porch for a while, so we sat in the swing and just talked for a while. Saturday night when we went to bed, I gave him the 9 page letter I've worked on writing for months and carried around and debated about giving him...I intended to post it here and just wound up giving it to him. I don't think it was bad though, and one reason I held off giving it to him was I wanted to make sure that my expectations were low....I didn't want to expect any results from his response. I finally decided that my goal was to express some of my conclusions from my personal "soul searching" and what I intend to do with my life, so I wnet ahead and did it. I told him I could see some of the reasons in our marriage that might have led him to see an A as the best way to ease his pain, some reasons that I could see we had both kind let things get to that point, and that I intend to never go back to being as miserable as I was....his hands shook some as he read it, and he said "well, thank you" and carefully put all the pages back together....no ML Saturday or Sunday , said his back hurt on Sunday from mowing on Sat., but we sat on the porch and grilled steaks and talked. H was talking about what we would need to do to get the camper back on the road, and how he wants to get into weight lifting/body building big time, and we need to get back to getting his weight room going, and asked if I thought we could still get reservations for a short trip to "our cabin" this fall. both of these last 2 he's been kind of let go by the wayside lately, so I've just let it drop. But I don't know, and am very cautious with expectations, but it seems like maybe he moved closer again. S had a friend over Friday night and spent the night with the friend on Sat. so was "busy", at one point he was standing in the kitchen and was staring at me with huge eyes....I asked if it was my imagination or if his dad seemed "warmer" and he said "MUCH! Where do you think these dinner plate eyes came from?"... I only heard from him by email 2X today, but in one of them he said he loves to hear from me.
So I don't know, SO MANY times it's look like things were in the home stretch and then he runs back to ow, but still I think these are hopeful signs.
I am trying to focus on more of what I need to do...that is tricky, because I'm so used to taking care of everybody else. I've found out about ww meetings, and am trying to decide which might work into my schedule, and am really focused on getting things organized/redone in the house...also redoing some chairs for D and SIL....I splurged and bought a small but nice stereo system for in our bedroom this weekend, and spent more money than I should on candles...(I'm still working on that decorating project) so I'm not sitting around pining for him and wringing my hands but I'm still not at the point where I don't care what happens.
Frankly I'm kind of encouraged by his response to the letter, I was honest about my thoughts, feelings, wishes and intentions, and I was afraid it would cause him to withdraw, but it doesnt seem to have. I told him it was frightening to share that with him....so we shall see.....at least he knows my "take" on the sitch.
, said his back hurt on Sunday from mowing on Sat., but we sat on the porch and grilled steaks and talked. H was talking about what we would need to do to get the camper back on the road, and how he wants to get into weight lifting/body building big time, and we need to get back to getting his weight room going, and asked if I thought we could still get reservations for a short trip to "our cabin" this fall. both of these last 2 he's been kind of let go by the wayside lately, so I've just let it drop. But I don't know, and am very cautious with expectations, but it seems like maybe he moved closer again. S had a friend over Friday night and spent the night with the friend on Sat. so was "busy", at one point he was standing in the kitchen and was staring at me with huge eyes....I asked if it was my imagination or if his dad seemed "warmer" and he said "MUCH! Where do you think these dinner plate eyes came from?"... I only heard from him by email 2X today, but in one of them he said he loves to hear from me. 