A lot has changed in the SD household in the last couple of weeks and it looks as if my SSM blues are in the past. Before I explain I'll remind you of my past situation. 22 years SSM from wedding night onwards. 3x per year mercy sex with no contribution from ND(Negative Desire)W. Children conceived with ease. Never had a bj or hj despite me giving her lovely bjs. Cuddling and pecking but no kissing. W has a very strong personality and tends to make all decisions. SD flits around telling jokes and begging for attention.
February 2004 I read TSSM and joined this forum. Tried to get W to read book but she wouldn't. Managed to negotiate Friday night "Just do it" with 50% success. Read PM Made some personality changes: Stopped being angry. Stopped looking for validation from W. Cut out low value needy behaviour such as begging for hugs etc. Stopped saying things like Do you want to ML tonight? Would you like to ML? How about some LM? etc. which all get the answer "NO!" and result in a sleepless night of dispair and started saying things like. I'd really like to ML to you tonight. I'd love to be inside you for a while. ML twice a week will be fantastic. and any other way I can think of that expresses what I want and does not ask a question. I have also started phrasing things this way for other things such as. Old way: SD "Is it alright if I go flying this morning". W "No because MIL is coming for lunch and I want you to clean the house". New way: SD "I'm going flying this morning. Do you want me to buy you a newspaper". W "No that's OK. MIL is coming for lunch so I have to clean up a bit".
This seems to be making me much more desirable in her eyes. It has been a gradual process but all of a sudden it has translated into more frequent LM! Thursday before last (ie not a Friday) we were in bed and I held her hand. After a while I thought I'd let go (as in The Hug - whoever lets go first is the least needy) and she said "No" and held on so I gave her a nice back massage then made a move and she did not resist. The following Monday I said that I'd really like to be inside her for a while and she just lay back and let it happen! Last Friday I massaged her back for a while then she just rolled over and put her leg over mine which was very much a come on to me. Wonderful!
Oh I forgot to mention I bought her "How to make great love to a man" - and she read it!!!
I have a feeling that the ice has been broken at last and we will get better and better. I really hope so. Needless to say you will find out if it all goes wrong! SD
SD: I hope the "goodbye" was to the sex-starved aspect of your marriage and that you will stick around here for awhile with your great insights, advice, humor, etc.
Congratulations on your progress. I, for one, never thought you'd get as far as you have, but I've been called a pessimist before.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Congrats, seems like you found the secret decoder ring. SSM helped me at least understand my W a little better, and more importantly made me realize that SSM needn't stay that way (I had always assumed that that was just the way it is, and I was 'stuck' with it unless I threw it all away). I'm still trying to understand PM enough to be able make use of it. In any event, we are at least talking, and I too have gotten more in the past 3 weeks than I'd gotten in the past 5 years!!! SHe's hasn't gotten over her embarrasment talking or reading about sex, so no interest yet in reading any books on techniques (I'm hoping that is coming too). Anyway, congrats on your success and hoping that I'm following in your footsteps in regards to my sich.
BTW, What do you fly? One of the consolation prizes of my SSM is that W agreed to and even encouraged me to buy an airplane (a cherokee six). I guess in that light, SSM does have some benefits...I'm not so sure she would have been so agreeable to it if she wasn't feeling a little guilty over the lack of LM.
WBBNIS said: --------------- One of the consolation prizes of my SSM is that W agreed to and even encouraged me to buy an airplane (a cherokee six) ---------------
Good consolation prize!
I have several hundred hours in a Lance (a six with retractable gear). The Six is a great aircraft, one of my favorites!
Sorry to thread-jack SD.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I love the new you and I can see why your W is attracted to him.
For the last several weeks, something I have been working on with H is to break him of his habit of ASKING me if I want to ML. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
To me, it is such an unattractive way of either initiating, or giving me permission to initiate--whatever it's supposed to be. Most of the time, he is trying to "feel me out" and see if I am wanting him to make a move. It is his way of offering me mercy sex, if I'm in the mood. It is also his way of saying that he wants me. So I am never sure if he is saying I want you OR I will have sex with you if you need it. Yuck! I detest this. I am slowly and gently breaking him of this habit and the results are good! Plus, I have been trying to take my own advice and initiating with him in a way that is bold and not wimpy. He likes this way better, too.
I am going to make a generalization here and say that women like bold men. Sounds like you are doing great and she is really responding to your confidence. Go Dave!!!!
HP, Hmm, I think what you said has merit. I've seen a similar effect here...saying what I want instead of asking what she wants and all. Seems to make a big difference. Still haven't tried saying it dirty yet tho. Been afraid what the reaction to "I wanna F*ck your brains out" might be.
Congrats!! I do hope you'll stop in and post once in a while, it would be nice to hear from someone who's succeeded and is keeping it going!
I'll also second what HP said about bold men. I certainly agree! When I was younger, I found myself often attracted to much older men (never had a relationship with one though). They have a 'quiet confidence' about them, since they've done the 'fighting to the top' and now know what is important to them, know what they want. It's not arrogance, more like acceptance. If a younger man can get there...ohhhh, that would melt me in a second!!!
