Quote: NG is in no shape to plan at the moment, he seems to be struggling with guilt, and to compound the matter, does not appear to want to talk about it. Seems like the best I can do is be a fun companion, and look out for improving my little space.
Still swimming. Slowly
May I add a couple of things to your "to do" list?
1. Read or re-read "men are from Mars, women are from venus"
2. Note, appreciate and praise the things NG IS doing
3. Be clear about what you do want and ask for it (directly, concisely, etc) without resentment
When I think back on my pre-bomb marriage, I realize that one of the biggest "negatives" I was contributing was personalizing h's behavior (or "non-behavior" when he didn't do things to help me!) and seething about it.
The bomb dropping put the "dishes in the sink" into perspective and once DB'ing took hold and I read M&V, I realized that I was approaching it wrong with my h (felt natural to me but not to him!)
Hi Sage - Thank you so much for stopping by - your advice always means so much to me. Yup, just got out the Mars Venus book again, NG is not comfortable with this, but what the heck. There is only so much I can do on the quiet
I've also only just realised WOA is NG's big thing. He puts out this larger than life confident persona, it was tough seeing the needy part.
I also think I was personally hitting limboland, maybe even getting a little complacent, undirected. Really time to get back to goal setting and monitoring baby steps, including appreciating NG's good deeds.
I'm borrowing Sage's list of observations as many resonate
1. h believes that I will never trust him again ("I KNOW you. You will NEVER trust me again") NG has not said this expressly, but he is incredibly defensive now - any innocent question is viewed as an 'interrogation'
2. h believes that I have forgiven him but that I haven't forgotten and that the A is in the forefront of my mind ditto. NG has mentioned that he thinks I think about the A 'all the time'
3. h says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself NG's exact words were 'I now need to come to terms with the fact that I did this to you'
4. h says that my desire to talk about the A is counter to his desire NOT to talk about it. He said that I ASSume that I will gain more HEALING than he will "lose" in the discussion. Yup, NG does not want to say anything more on this subject. He honestly believes that THE EMAIL will/should be sufficient closure for me
5. h wanted to hear the reasons why I still wanted to be M to him...this actually seemed like a very big part of the conversation I've not heard this from NG
6. h said he thinks I've defaulted to the "devil" I "know" (doesn't feel CHOSEN) I think the way I hung in there through the past months tells NG that it is a choice, in fact in his last email to OW he does use the word choice a lot, both for him and me
7. h said that he could imagine us ever apart -- that I am part of his DNA NG has always maintained that we will work through this and will be together
8. H asked to hear praise for how hard he's been working -- to hear appreciation for the good stuff that he's been doing for our M (WOA?? My h? ) I've not heard this from NG, but indirectly, I've noticed that he does respond well to WOA
9. h was definitely struggling with physical pain and his actions were definitely clouded by that NG was a lot more grumpy during his cold last week
10. h doesn't want to "pay" for this for the rest of his life NG's exact words 'I've put a loaded gun in your hands'
11. Part of "trust" to h means not only that I believe in his fidelity but also that I "trust" him as he is ("unconditional love") We are nowhere near discussing trust
12. h said that his fear was that he'd go merrily along only to hit "landmines" because of something he said or did that triggered the A in my mind. I know NG tries hard to avoid certain topics, places for fear of triggering for him and/or me
Looks like it is back to listing out positives to keep track of progress...
We had a pretty decent evening, went out for a chinese meal - an old haunt from 10 years ago, the folks who run the place still recognise us
It was hard going back to the hard learnt lessons from April/May - I really needed to stop the crazymaking, and just be in the moment. It meant letting him take the lead, even if things were not quite as I would have planned them. Often, I start with an idea in mind, and pursue it with some singlemindedness, oblivious to other folks' preferences I can see how NG just went along, because he did not mind one way or the other, but cumulatively, he probably did mind. So now, I'm focusing only on those things that really matter to me. The rest, well, someone else can worry about them.
This morning has been great, we are both just hanging out surfing the web. May go do some grocery shopping, then off to the bank than back home to veg out. My kind of holiday Actually, our kind of holiday
Just came across this, which struck a chord. I'm still getting hung up on what-ifs and why-fors, when in reality, my moments are pretty stupendous
Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed. - Corita Kent
Quote: I really needed to stop the crazymaking, and just be in the moment. It meant letting him take the lead, even if things were not quite as I would have planned them. Often, I start with an idea in mind, and pursue it with some singlemindedness, oblivious to other folks' preferences I can see how NG just went along, because he did not mind one way or the other, but cumulatively, he probably did mind.
Wow, this one strikes a resounding chord for me. I really feel that I lead H around by the nose. He really needed the time away and I guess I needed to see how much of his free time I controlled. Yuck. Not a pretty picture, indeed.
I wonder how we incorporate lessons learned, with forgivenesses given...and if we ever move into that space where we look with great joy towards a future together. Making plans together.
THis is what I miss most of all. This is what I intend to create in my life. I also wish this for you, Slowly.
Hi Maya - These little things, which form firm habits over time, may look benign, but I am now utterly convinced can cause fairly serious damage. The pity of it is that we drift into these roles with the best of intentions
I started this thread hoping to understand NG. In fact, my earliest post contained the following:
We had a brief chat about how he regretted the hurt all this has caused, and when I asked him if he regretted the affair, his response was he does not understand WHY the affair happened, and so how can he regret something he does not understand.
Alas, this is still the case. Execpt I now understand that NG would prefer we never talk about his affair any more. And I know that for me, there is much that remains unresolved. While he still feels fragile - the 'termination email' is just 2 months old, I think I need to back off and really, really focus on just myself. In a strange way, this is the only subject that we disagree on. Anything else I ask for, in Mars language, I am getting - so really, I should not dwell on what's not possible.
Much of the turmoil now is how I handle the next phase, when NG is clearly not ready for him. I know I need to move to a place where I can let go the hurt, but the process muct include remorse from NG, and his current frame of mind is not one of regret, but rather of denial
I'm going to move to new digs, one that is more about me in this piecing drama. As Pattie puts it, it is time for me now. Slowly
Hi Pam - I feel so blessed in finding kindred spirits here Well, yes, it was a new quote that has inspired the new thread title - though I think I've been trying to put my finger on what my problem has been for a while.
And yes, it is a heady feeling, this self discovery Looking forward to your visit at my new digs:
and once DB'ing took hold and I read M&V, I realized that I was approaching it wrong with my h (felt natural to me but not to him!)
Slowly 
