I'm borrowing Sage's list of observations as many resonate
1. h believes that I will never trust him again ("I KNOW you. You will NEVER trust me again") NG has not said this expressly, but he is incredibly defensive now - any innocent question is viewed as an 'interrogation'
2. h believes that I have forgiven him but that I haven't forgotten and that the A is in the forefront of my mind ditto. NG has mentioned that he thinks I think about the A 'all the time'
3. h says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself NG's exact words were 'I now need to come to terms with the fact that I did this to you'
4. h says that my desire to talk about the A is counter to his desire NOT to talk about it. He said that I ASSume that I will gain more HEALING than he will "lose" in the discussion. Yup, NG does not want to say anything more on this subject. He honestly believes that THE EMAIL will/should be sufficient closure for me
5. h wanted to hear the reasons why I still wanted to be M to him...this actually seemed like a very big part of the conversation I've not heard this from NG
6. h said he thinks I've defaulted to the "devil" I "know" (doesn't feel CHOSEN) I think the way I hung in there through the past months tells NG that it is a choice, in fact in his last email to OW he does use the word choice a lot, both for him and me
7. h said that he could imagine us ever apart -- that I am part of his DNA NG has always maintained that we will work through this and will be together
8. H asked to hear praise for how hard he's been working -- to hear appreciation for the good stuff that he's been doing for our M (WOA?? My h? ) I've not heard this from NG, but indirectly, I've noticed that he does respond well to WOA
9. h was definitely struggling with physical pain and his actions were definitely clouded by that NG was a lot more grumpy during his cold last week
10. h doesn't want to "pay" for this for the rest of his life NG's exact words 'I've put a loaded gun in your hands'
11. Part of "trust" to h means not only that I believe in his fidelity but also that I "trust" him as he is ("unconditional love") We are nowhere near discussing trust
12. h said that his fear was that he'd go merrily along only to hit "landmines" because of something he said or did that triggered the A in my mind. I know NG tries hard to avoid certain topics, places for fear of triggering for him and/or me
Looks like it is back to listing out positives to keep track of progress...
