Hi Slowly, guess we're both heading out at the same time--will be interesting to compare notes when we get back . Anyway, have a great time and remember to hold onto yourself whatever happens.
Its almost 4 am here, and I've just had the most awful evening, tossing and turning. Nothing dramatic, just a dawning realisation that there are many things about my R with NG that is no longer comfortable for me. And the acknowledgement that I have contributed to this.
Yesterday we hung out with some friends we had not met in about a year. We parked and walked about half a mile - the city was congested. NG strides ahead without a backward glance. Now, this is normal for him, he sets the pace and I usually trot to keep up. His mum complaints of the same 'challenge' his lack of desire to slow down for us shorter mortals. Now, I know OW was much shorter than me, and I also knows she walks much slower. Obviously he would have slowed down for her Why would I not at least merit the same consideration?
We meet friends and decide all of us had really heavy lunches, and just felt like hanging out at starbucks for a long drink. Everyone sits down and look like lemons at each other, so I break the ice and take orders, and I guess the tacit understanding is that I'd get the drinks. It is then up to one of our friends to come over and help me with the large hot drinks. NG - he just sits there looking pretty Sorry, this is a rant, but I really felt like there was much wrong with the picture.
Not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I feel I really need to provide NG some feedback about these behaviours that I'm getting frustrated about. He will probably be confused as I was ok with them (or at least did not make a fuss) in the past. He is feeling super defensive though. A simple question like what's up can elicit a "I did not know I had to ask permission to go to the garage"
I can really relate to the walking a few steps ahead bit, my H does that. And the H sitting around drinking wine when I am scurrying around doing everything else with the guests bit.
But I have a question - did you try just cheerfully asking him if he would give you a hand? Maybe he is so USED to not having to help, that he doesn't think about it! If you asked, he helped, and then you thanked him, he might start to twig! Remember, we need to ASK for what we want. Forget expecting them to just GET IT!!
I am nowhere near having my H come home, but I do think about how I wouldn't want to go back to those same behaviours that wound up making me resentful.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - You are right - I seem to be forgetting basics, I need to ask.
In fact, I'm gonna ask for a big one - to rectify an old oversight in one of our major joint investments, only his name appears on it - would be interesting to see what his reaction is, huh?
Thinking about you today and the intiricate dance we all do with our spouses.
We want them to treat us with thoughtfulness, care and concern, but it doesn't seem to look like that after 15 years of marriage.
A long time ago I intercepted an OW e mail and it spoke about how H opened her car door for her. I was like WTF , he doesn't ever do that for me. Then I mentioned him doing it and he opened my car door for about a week and that was it. I wondered what would happen if I just stood outside the car door and waited, but I never tried that I just got in like the dutiful wife.
It is hard to get our needs met, isn't it? And during the db dance it seems like getting our needs met falls somewhere near the bottom of the list.
I'll be anxious to see how you come to terms in dealing with this.
Would your H have come and helped with the coffee in his pre OW days? Mine prob wouldn't have.
Quote: Yesterday we hung out with some friends we had not met in about a year. We parked and walked about half a mile - the city was congested. NG strides ahead without a backward glance. Now, this is normal for him, he sets the pace and I usually trot to keep up. His mum complaints of the same 'challenge' his lack of desire to slow down for us shorter mortals. Now, I know OW was much shorter than me, and I also knows she walks much slower. Obviously he would have slowed down for her
Um. You KNOW he would? No, you don't. You assume he would.
What would happen if you slowed down and stopped to look into store windows? Let him get way, way ahead before he notices that you are missing. Say nothing negative about his pace..or being left behind. Tell him he can go ahead if he wishes and MEAN it. If he comes back with something negative, tell him that you did not want to insist that he walk at your pace but that his pace is rather too tiring for you. Then leave him the choice he can choose to fire on ahead or he will walk with you. I think if you say it simply and without anger he will be able to make a better choice. I have done this with my H. He now has me set the pace. I hated playing catch up all the time. The funny thing is, when I am setting the pace, I am able to set one that both of us are comfortable keeping.
We meet friends and decide all of us had really heavy lunches, and just felt like hanging out at starbucks for a long drink. Everyone sits down and look like lemons at each other, so I break the ice and take orders, and I guess the tacit understanding is that I'd get the drinks. It is then up to one of our friends to come over and help me with the large hot drinks. NG - he just sits there looking pretty Sorry, this is a rant, but I really felt like there was much wrong with the picture. I understand your feelings but I think that you may have set yourself up here. You took control of the situation. Once you realized you were expected to GET the drinks you could have said"Ok, I took the orders, who is going to go get the drinks? OR.. Who will come with me to get the drinks? or "NG, would you come help me place the order? I don't think I will be able to carry them all. " Sometimes we expect folks to read our minds. It can be simple enough to just ask for what we need. Could your interpretation of this have been colored by your annoyance with him from the walk to Starbucks?
Not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I feel I really need to provide NG some feedback about these behaviours that I'm getting frustrated about. He will probably be confused as I was ok with them (or at least did not make a fuss) in the past. He is feeling super defensive though. A simple question like what's up can elicit a "I did not know I had to ask permission to go to the garage" I think you may want to rethink talking about ALL the annoying behaviors. Instead you may want to identify them and see how you can lead him towards making better choices. In my experience, they just hear criticism and get defensive.
Instead, find out how you are affected by his stuff and do something different. You do not have to make a fuss, you just have to change your response. For instance, instead of making him wrong for walking fast, just stop trying to keep up... See? You can be pleasant the whole time. He might even get annoyed that you have fallen behind, but you can tell him that it is ok ... if he really wants to get there quickly, you understand. Smile. It will be confusing to him. But he will catch on and understand that if he wants to walk with YOU then he will need to walk at a pace that is comfortable for you.
Maya my love, you are just the best. I can see how I was rolling headlong into this cheeseless tunnel - full of self pity. Yes, of course I can change my response And yes, I did fall into the trap of taking control of a sitch when there was too long a lull. Must back off To be honest, much of this is baggage from a looong time ago, just re-surfacing in the light of A and possibly re-framed against a set of new issues. But you know, it has to be a new relationship, we are both different people and I really need to coax us out of our old loops.
NG is in no shape to plan at the moment, he seems to be struggling with guilt, and to compound the matter, does not appear to want to talk about it. Seems like the best I can do is be a fun companion, and look out for improving my little space.
As Jupiter now settles into your sector of the sky, it is being accompanied by Mars, planet of power and ambition. Suddenly, you are full of energy and motivation. There is a real opportunity. So it's tempting to ask what can possibly go wrong. But then we all know about Mr Murphy and his infamous law. Venus, this week, opposes Uranus. That's a clear suggestion that all is not quite as you expect. Don't rest on your laurels or jump to conclusions. The biggest fish take a lot of catching. You have hooked a whale. You will undoubtedly reel it in eventually, but it may take a little longer than you imagine
Hi Pam - Isn't it just so hurtful when they do not extend us courtesies we now know they are capable of? But I really like Maya's line, I'm just going to change my response, and though it may be borderline passive-aggressive, it should over time change his behaviour too.
Yesterday I broached the subject of legal title - made it seem like following up on something we had put in place 6 years ago - he was a little defensive, but I just let it go. Kept it brief, introduced the subject and dropped it. Today I'll take out the documents and leave them on the desk, in preparation for a visit to the lawyer that maybe we can make later this week to get the ball rolling.
I feel lousy about pressing the issue, he may feel defeated about the trust thing. Reading Sage's latest developemnts made me almost back off. But, I kept remembering the old childish rhyme - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Some things I just gotta do to protect myself.
Best I can do is to validate his perspective in other ways. Sigh. This is not easy stuff. I'm glad you folks are around.
. Anyway, have a great time and remember to hold onto yourself whatever happens.
Why would I not at least merit the same consideration?
And yes, I did fall into the trap of taking control of a sitch when there was too long a lull. Must back off 