Quote: Yesterday we hung out with some friends we had not met in about a year. We parked and walked about half a mile - the city was congested. NG strides ahead without a backward glance. Now, this is normal for him, he sets the pace and I usually trot to keep up. His mum complaints of the same 'challenge' his lack of desire to slow down for us shorter mortals. Now, I know OW was much shorter than me, and I also knows she walks much slower. Obviously he would have slowed down for her
Um. You KNOW he would? No, you don't. You assume he would.
What would happen if you slowed down and stopped to look into store windows? Let him get way, way ahead before he notices that you are missing. Say nothing negative about his pace..or being left behind. Tell him he can go ahead if he wishes and MEAN it. If he comes back with something negative, tell him that you did not want to insist that he walk at your pace but that his pace is rather too tiring for you. Then leave him the choice he can choose to fire on ahead or he will walk with you. I think if you say it simply and without anger he will be able to make a better choice. I have done this with my H. He now has me set the pace. I hated playing catch up all the time. The funny thing is, when I am setting the pace, I am able to set one that both of us are comfortable keeping.
We meet friends and decide all of us had really heavy lunches, and just felt like hanging out at starbucks for a long drink. Everyone sits down and look like lemons at each other, so I break the ice and take orders, and I guess the tacit understanding is that I'd get the drinks. It is then up to one of our friends to come over and help me with the large hot drinks. NG - he just sits there looking pretty Sorry, this is a rant, but I really felt like there was much wrong with the picture. I understand your feelings but I think that you may have set yourself up here. You took control of the situation. Once you realized you were expected to GET the drinks you could have said"Ok, I took the orders, who is going to go get the drinks? OR.. Who will come with me to get the drinks? or "NG, would you come help me place the order? I don't think I will be able to carry them all. " Sometimes we expect folks to read our minds. It can be simple enough to just ask for what we need. Could your interpretation of this have been colored by your annoyance with him from the walk to Starbucks?
Not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I feel I really need to provide NG some feedback about these behaviours that I'm getting frustrated about. He will probably be confused as I was ok with them (or at least did not make a fuss) in the past. He is feeling super defensive though. A simple question like what's up can elicit a "I did not know I had to ask permission to go to the garage" I think you may want to rethink talking about ALL the annoying behaviors. Instead you may want to identify them and see how you can lead him towards making better choices. In my experience, they just hear criticism and get defensive.
Instead, find out how you are affected by his stuff and do something different. You do not have to make a fuss, you just have to change your response. For instance, instead of making him wrong for walking fast, just stop trying to keep up... See? You can be pleasant the whole time. He might even get annoyed that you have fallen behind, but you can tell him that it is ok ... if he really wants to get there quickly, you understand. Smile. It will be confusing to him. But he will catch on and understand that if he wants to walk with YOU then he will need to walk at a pace that is comfortable for you.
