Quote: His preferred mode of getting support? Just that I am there for him, do not talk about this issue, and keep distracting him
I know!!! I know!!! They must be clones!!! Does that make us sisters???
Quote: I can see him now primarily struggling to come to terms with what he has done.
I know !! I know!! I think that is why my H is planning these trips. He is now running from the ow, the reality of what he did/caused, and he still hasn't figured out for himself how to handle it all. ( Therapy!! Maybe I need to start subliminal messages.)
Guess we are in the same boat. I can only see both of us needing an inexhaustible supply of patience, tack, dignity, and oh, did I say PATIENCE?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I want to tell you that you have been an inspiration for me. I don't think I posted to you, but I always read your threads. They seemed so similar to what I was going through.
I just reread the last few pages of this thread. There has been some great advice, eye openers printed here. What awesome people to share their thoughts and encouragement.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
It seems to me that my H's inability to have and maintain friendships is a major difficulty in our R. Like yours, H uses other people's issues and concerns to measure his own situations.
I think that in my case H ends up looking for friendship at work among the women in the workplace. This is a recipe for disaster, if you ask me. Of course, women are easier to talk to ...and he does not feel competitive with them. But then, he starts getting a bit too close....
ugh. What is the solution? Have you thought of any? Does NG notice that he has few friendships of his own? If so, does he see this as a problem?
Let me know if you figure out some strategies here that work for you. maya
Hi Maya - I wish I had an answer. I never used to question things like this, but lately, I've started looking at everything. NG seems to be super critical of almost all his male acquaintances, I do think this tendency has very deep roots in a childhood of insecurities. No one had ever taken the time to build up his confidence, and alas, I too fell for his bravado and failed to see that underneath it all, he is still a scared little boy.
For the time being, I'm just going to apply myself to providing him with entertaining distraction. We go on holiday next week, which will help enormously. I do think he will unravel, but in time.
Allow me to jump into this pool! I have had the experience of knowing my H since early high school. I knew his friends(or lack thereof). He had male buddies, but he wasn't into the drinking/partying scene. He didn't hang out with them very often. That has carried over into adulthood. He has said he can count his male friends on one hand. And you know what? They have always been the husbands of my friends. Given the activity level of all our kids, and the fact that the parents enjoyed each others company, all of us were always together. He has not maintained the friendships. Yes, Slowly, I think you have it right.
Quote: No one had ever taken the time to build up his confidence, and alas, I too fell for his bravado and failed to see that underneath it all, he is still a scared little boy.
This is going to take a tremendous amount of time. Sounds too like therapy would be good for these guys.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I've just caught up on your stich, and you are really getting good input and processing this all very well. Yes your H is probably grieving the loss...it's the sh*ts from our perspective, but Michele actually addresses this for us LBS to try to understand. In hind sight....which I'm sooo good at, I think I can now pinpoint the time when my H was going through the same grieving-type process. And, yes, I believe he was depressed....he just stuck it out. My H has not let me in on his dealings with the OW yet...and may never. But, he is back in my court, trying very hard to work on US and our M.
I also like the feedback on taking on the little issues re: manners, thoughtfulness, etc. You make the first moves, w/o expectations....out of your own genuine kindness. Then, patiently see if you get some slight responses. He is probably quite self absorbed with his grieving to even realize he ISN'T doing the little things that make you feel good. I love the ILYs on the txt messaging. Enjoy that.
I like that you are taking time for YOU, too. That is so important. That is a huge lesson none of us should leave behind during this entire DBing process.....that IS what makes us solid, secure, attractive, confident people...growing and stretching...not becoming stagnant.
I really enjoy that you are so willing to share your journey with us all. It helps me a lot.
I've menitoned a couple of times in my threads that CAW was the only friend I ever really had in my adult life. I never was a popular kid in school and I learn to enjoy my solitude. Since I hadn't come across anyone that reached out to be my friend, I became OK with that and decided friendship was all that important to me. Until CAW reached out and became my best friend. At first I reveled in it, and made me think she was a very special person for being my friend, but didn't change how I viewed friendship in general.
It wasn't until I joined this bb and the wonderful folks here showed me how great camaraderie can be that I started to change my views. Slowly, I've been working on it, but its hard to meet people in person. I don't have much common interest with the people at work and I haven't found any clubs locally yet for the interests that I have.
Anyway, thought it might be of interest hear a voice from the non-social men's club.
Thanks to KAW for his male POV. Something to think about...in my high school, the cliques were horrendous. I was on the peripheral fringe of the "neat" ones. I didn't want to be like them, I saw them as self centered, spoiled, etc. For some reason, I was included in much of their activity. Perhaps b/c I did make it clear as to what I thought.
My H was the star athlete. However, he was not the sought after, popular one. We became friends. Best friends and hung out all the time. This is where I want to make a point to KAW. You didn't decide that friendships weren't that important. Me thinks you decided that you would do without them. It's a self-defense mechanism we all would use. It's human!!! You might think you would have a hard time forming face to face friendships, but I don't believe it. You have shown us on the bb that you are a caring, concerned , fun,, intelligent, thoughtful person. Who wouldn't want you for a face to face to friend?? So, next time you meet somebody, or try it on somebody at work, act as if that person was one of us on the bb. OK?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Quote: This is where I want to make a point to KAW. You didn't decide that friendships weren't that important. Me thinks you decided that you would do without them. It's a self-defense mechanism we all would use. It's human!!!
Yessiree Pattie! ... You hit the nail right square on the head! So long as I had CAW by my side, I didn't need anyone else's company and I would be happy forever!
Pattie, you made me blush with all the flattery.
Quote: So, next time you meet somebody, or try it on somebody at work, act as if that person was one of us on the bb. OK?
Ya know, I never would have thought of that. That's what makes this bb so great!
... and thanks for all those kind words.
Now I'll place the spotlight back on Slowly ... where it belongs...
Slowly, the friendship issue is a big one for my H as well and is one reason for his R with OW for sure. . If we can be compassionate about their loss of OW it will carry us a long way--it's a lot to ask, to be sure, but it's better than blaming and shaming. Try to see the little gestures for what they are from him--big ones! That's how I'm getting through my H's continued contact with OW. That and reading your thread!
. If we can be compassionate about their loss of OW it will carry us a long way--it's a lot to ask, to be sure, but it's better than blaming and shaming. Try to see the little gestures for what they are from him--big ones! That's how I'm getting through my H's continued contact with OW. That and reading your thread! 