Just to chime in here for a second because this is all striking a chord for me here too.
Way back in November of 03 (in my pre-dbing days) I went with H to Brazil, thinking that he and OW were finished and finding out that they were NOT. They supposedly broke up while I was there, and H was just simply inconsolable, sobbing hysterically at night time, saying that he felt OW's pain and was literally sick to his stomach.
But all the while there was sort of this undercurrent of "I have to help OW get over her pain, because I helped cause it." He seemed like he felt responsible to be her comforter, to help her get over him if that makes any sense. He was even blubbering one time because he left behind a parting gift that she gave him, saying that he was a bad person for leaving it at her apt.
I don't think I ever even had a clue that he would truly be grieving OW, after all, to me she was just a b****, a w****, a home wrecker, not worthy of a second thought. But obviously in H's book, she was way more than all that.
And for H she fulfilled a very important need. He was a stranger in a strange land, living for weeks at a time in a 3rd world country where he didn't speak the language. Faced with huge business pressures, away from his family, he turned to OW for companinionship, language help, and the rest is history.
I am sure that one of the looming ?'s in H's mind, is if I give up OW how am I going to manage in Brazil w/o her? He still has to spend weeks at a time there, still has huge business pressures, still speaks only minimal Portuguese (don't suggest learning it, it won't happen, trust me) still faces the prospect of lonely nights with no one to talk to.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that if H ever does decide to end his A, I need to suggest for both their sakes that it should be a clean break. This I will always love you and wait for me in case it doesn't work out with my wife crap isn't gonna help. That if he really does care about her he shouldn't string her along any more.
Right now though I kinda feel like the shoe is on the other foot. Like I am the one who is being strung along left in limboland while he figures out if his R with OW is gonna work.
