Understanding My Travel Companion

[xalelle]

"Do what you want" sounds familiar to me

Unfortunately this sounds familiar to me too - coming from me! Only for me it was "whatever!"

Go back and read DR/DB about how to change the interactions. Maby "change the medium?" Write a small letter outlining your concerns and needs - not real pushy, just state the facts.

This is hard - you are the one who has been working on your communication and R skills, NG hasnt. And you cannot force-feed him the skills. Demonstrate them instead. Change the patterns, and let him follow. At some point I am willing to bet he will wonder how you have changed those patterns and come to you to understand.

Patience and understanding. Keep it up!

[Nessie]

Slowly,

This exchange also brought one of my intended actions into mind. My plan is that when H and I are on the road to reconciliation, I will start seeing a counsellor to help me direct and squish my crazymaking which will be running rampant. Maybe a counsellor would be an option for you?

[slowly]

Hi Nessie - You know, I think of a counsellor, and then realise that much of the work I have to do is internal, and the bite sized chunks of whacks I get here seem to do the job I did have a session with Dottie way back in Feb, and it was extremely helpful, and will do so again in a heartbeat.

Hope all's well with you. Slowly

[slowly]

Hi GBO and X - Thanks for stopping by. Things seem to be back to 'normal' so far this morning - no tension evident. I guess I've dropped the issue, we had an intense morning, and NG probably thinks all's well in his little world. Whatever

I've been struck by one realisation, and that this need to talk stems from my belief that in an R, both parties need to be open books. Well, this is now patently not possible. Clearly after 20 years of being totally open, NG decided to do his own underhand things. In many ways, I find the lies more damaging than the affair itself.

And now, NG is saying that he cannot or does not want to hear what I am going through as it is perhaps too painful. Not sure if he understands that I may need to unload on someone else, in which case there are parts of me he is shutting off. Maybe this is how it will be, should have been. That in a healthy R, there is always some mystery. Being open books may not be the most constructive.

This is hard for me. It represents a shift in something I hold dear - honesty in my relationships. I think part of my difficulty is stemming from the fact that I have to accept this new playing field, where both NG and I keep things from each other.

Anyone else been through this? Slowly

[xalelle]

I find the lies more damaging than the affair itself.

This is my struggle as well - though we are nowhere near reconciling, the "affair" is not what hurts me day after day, it is the hiding and the lies. It is hard.

Give it time. You have a long life together to recover from this. Perhaps in time you will find NG being more open.

[slowly]

Hi X - Today is bad, the memories are relentless. I'm not sure what is triggering them

I too hope that over time we will connect at a more meaningful level. In the meantime, I'm trying so hard to keep myself distracted with other people and other projects. We are going to a party on Saturday nite and have folks round on Sunday afternoon for a bbq round our place. No time to mope

Slowly

[gonna_be_okay]

Slowly, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with memories today. I'm guessing that some of the gulfs between you and NG will need to be bridged at some point in order for you guys to make it (yes, mystery is good but dishonesty is deadly); I guess the questions are, when, how, etc. These are still early days for you too in terms of him severing contact. Perhaps he doesn't feel "safe" at this point? On some level, why should he get that but it does seem to help these guys open up.

Good for you for having distractions this weekend. Thinking of you.

GBO

[karen812]

Hi Slowly,
Sorry to hear that you are not feeling so well today. I know that you are busy this weekend, but is it possible to carve out some time for yourself even if it is just 45 min. to have some spa time/do your nails/write or whatever and just be with yourself?

Something you said a few days ago struck a chord w/me. It's the wanting our H to "give" us more than they seem to be capable of. I agree w/Sage that NG is just dealing with things in a diff way than you want to or want him to. But, that doesn't mean that it is wrong. He obviously cares for you and does hurt over what has happened. Sometimes it's hard for us to see these things b/c they are not SAYING them.

I can see how you want for him to be a support for you, but feel like he isn't all the time. I understand his point to not want to rehash, but I also see yours to talk about it. What can you do to take care of your own needs and not have to rely on him so much?

Those goals for the end of Sept. are great. How can you break them down into week by week or day by day goals?

What can you do to ditch the memories? I know they are very prevalent and that you are trying to distract yourself, but by thinking of them, you are only hurting yourself. What has helped you in the past? You have spoken about moving on and feeling better about your M. What was diff in those times than now?

Take care,
karen 812

[slowly]

Hi Karen - Thanks for stopping by, your post gave me strength through the weekend

Well, it was a busy one alright, and turns out, busy was just what the doctor ordered for both of us. We got on with things, and did not really have any tense moments. Not much in terms of blinding joy, but peace and contentment. It was good.

It's the wanting our H to "give" us more than they seem to be capable of. I agree w/Sage that NG is just dealing with things in a diff way than you want to or want him to.

Actually, when he does choose to talk, it is clear it is still about him. He is being so consumed by guilt, there is little else going on. Though, he does keep saying that who I was made it easier for him to break free from the 'fog' and see where his heart and future lay. I guess this is yet another proof that dbing is the way to go. NG tells me that it was important for him to see the good things about us, to give him strength to break free from A. Huh.

What can you do to ditch the memories?

In the short term, which NG is still in his little world, best I can do is to keep busy and just not have time or energy for these memories In the long term, I know the only way is to make new, more powerful memories.

Ah well, another week, one that promises to be uber hectic. Slowly

[gonna_be_okay]

Hi Slowly, I was struck by your two big points, that NG is still all about himself (and is overwhelmed by guilt--talk about cheeseless tunnels when he could be actually doing something about it, but, you know, that's how it is); and that it was your showing the hope and good in the future with you that turned the tide.

Seems to me the lesson either way is to avoid the wall of pain and focus on what is good.

Glad you stayed busy this weekend. That always helps, doesn't it.

GBO