Slowly, I forget, was marriage counseling ever in the picture for you guys? (I still shake my head over NG never really giving you a reason, or ever thinking he would lose you, in this sitch).
Thanks, too, for the lovely comments on my thread.
Hi GBO - You and me both - it still baffles me that he had such confidence that we may be dented, but unbroken.
No, MC was never discussed, he and I both agree that there was nothing obviously wrong, and I guess we are at the point now where I'm comfortable exploring what was wrong, but he is not yet. Everyine in his family has been through some sort of counselling, and I think he is adamant he will not go the same route. What was that about cutting one's nose to spite face
It has been quite an interesting couple of days with NG - he has been more present than ever, but apparently not saying or doing the things I am looking for. Perhaps I'm looking for too much too soon, from him, and from me. Part of me is afraid to lose the momentum we seem to have built, but realistically, in my heart, I also know that it just was not a sustainable pace.
So the time has come to re-visit dbing from the begining. This time, with a KLA view in mind. I finally managed to look at the workbook and listen to the CDs again, and have started from the front. It has indeed been helpful in reminding me of the things I had thought needed work. Strangely, my defensiveness about past mistakes is not so intense now. The past few months do seem to have opened up my ability to accept that I can err.
With this in mind, I am planning out for the next year. I'm expecting it will take us that long to really put the pain behind us and move forward with no doubt, and a lightness of heart. We will get there by focusing on hundreds of small things, a few everyday. By having a sense of direction. I know we can do this. We both want to, we are just struggling on the how to.
Firstly, I'm going to focus on myself + by the end of Sept, I'd have lost a further 2 kgs + I'd have limbered up a bit more thru daily yoga routines + I'd have fixed my cavities - yikes, do you guys know just how long I've been nursing this problem + I'd have built in home spa routines at least a couple of times a week, with luck, get NG to paint my nails he has done so before
I also need to do some work with NG: + smile more often, be a fun life partner, someone he misses when he is away from, someone he is comfortable to spend more time with + no control - my way does not have to be the only way. I will learn to let go, and accept that bills may not be paid on time, his mum may not be called frequently. These are things he needs to handle, and is perfectly capable of handling + establish a bit more mystery. I should not be afraid of his probing questions and develop a healthy sense of 'my time' - lots of friends to catch up with, and I so enjoy their company.
All this from just love illusion #1 - wonder what the rest will churn up Wish me luck, guys. Slowly
The KLA tapes and attending reflections sound good, Slowly...I'm right behind you, peering in. Yes, do the cavity thing--lots of us avoid this, but it will be one monkey off your back if you do.
You are very much on the right path (though it seems like NG might have some stuff in there to work on....but you of course can't *control* this ).
I'm now sitting here remembering all the lies, that NG just wants to brush off 'as all related to the same thing, so it is just one lie' From nowhere I'll get a trigger and off into the deep end it is - the pain comes rolling in waves. I know not to react to it, just come here and vent, read up on other threads to take my mind off things.
Of course, what I'd prefer to do is have it out with NG. But, he is not ready, and certainly not willing yet, to deal with my issues. I wonder if he will ever be?
I think you’re holding up extremely well, considering the circumstances. My personal guess with regards to NG is that he’s internally riddled with guilt, and in some childish way hopes that by not addressing your pain it’ll magically disappear, and he won’t have to deal with it.
Doesn’t work that way, does it?
Are you still showing him your pain? I seem to recall he reacted positively, perhaps even with relief, when you opened up to him …
Hi Pen - What can I say, you hit the nail right on. I had a wee bit of an emotional moment last night, and we got chatting.
NG: What's brought on the melancholy? Me: Just every now and then I get an emotional trigger and feel vulnerable NG: Well I guess it will always be like that, something will remind us Me: It would help me if we can talk about how we are doing NG: I've said all there is to say, not sure what more you want Me: Well, just knowing you are there for me to unload on would be good NG: I don't see the point in re-hashing things, Its over and done with, and we just have to get on with life as best we can Me: Oh. I'm really struggling with some issues NG: Well so am I, and I'm dealing with it myself. Sometimes we can only rely on ourselves Me: To be honest, I'd feel good if you could share your issues with me NG: Stuff I have to sort out in my head. You only have to recover from this hurt. I have to come to terms with the fact that I hurt you. Me: I'm not sure how we resolve this. I'd like to hash things out, and sounds like you don't see the point NG: Do what you want His standard response when a discussion is not going his way
So guys - not a nice episode but there we have it. This is the guy who said he'll be there to help me heal. So much for the words. Thank heavens I have all of you
I know I have to give this thing time, but man, some days, I just want to walk away and hide in a cave. Ick. Slowly
Slowly -- Gosh, I see so much potential here! Even talking about how to talk about it is a step forward, no? (yah, ok, I know what I meant! )
It seems like you both are being pretty clear that you are hurting right now. And h is pretty clear that he feels that he is hurting PLUS reeling from the added "bonus" of having hurt you as well...it's an interesting point, actually, one that I hadn't really considered.
Anyway, it seems to be coming down to two different styles of "dealing" with it, right? Yours appears to be focused on talking it out while his is internal. No doubt he's also suggesting that talking YOUR hurt out adds to his since he's identified that added layer on top, no?
Couple of suggestions come to mind...validating his desire to NOT talk about it and trying to glean what it is about talking that feels negative to him (one thing that leaps out at me is that he seems to feel that talking is "pointless" -- that there won't be closure from it anyway so why do it? maybe it would help to have a clearly defined "goal" or "solution" for the conversation? Even putting time limits or something like that? I could see doing something like "I'd just like to talk freely for 5 minutes with the goal understanding XYZ" where XYZ is some specific point). Asking him "what would feel ok for you in terms of a conversation?" or even really highlighting to him (and I think you did this well already) that it's the act of venting/talking that seems helpful to you NOT that you're looking for a solution from him. Even presenting it to him as "look, we're on polar opposite sides here about what we think we need to heal...what do you think would be an acceptable medium?"
I think if you can address his feeling that it'll just be an endless cycle you can get somewhere...also, highlighting that you're not looking for a solution...and recognizing that his way of healing is AOK, too, but that doesn't mean that you HAVE to do it that way too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - Yah, I know what you meant too - and thank you so much for re-framing what looked like a hopeless sitch just a couple of hours ago
For now, I have backed off, which NG and I both recognise in each other as validating signals. Yeah, we are bigger on actions than words. I like your suggestions, especially about defining goals and time limits. Knowing NG, I need to give him a couple of days before the next foray.
Hi Slowly. I'm sorry for the tense interaction....that "Do what you want" sounds familiar to me . I believe John Gottman calls it "stonewalling" and lists it as one of the four horsemen of the apocolypse in a marriage, one that men are prone to use and that drives women around the bend. Well, it does me.
On the side that you *can* change, I also think that NG's admission that he is hurting for having hurt you is important. Finding a way to validate and appreciate that admission, while also backing off, might be helpful. Of course, in the long run, you must find a way to meet some of your needs for comfort too----I'm stuck in a similar place, aren't I----at least *partly* with NG's help. I doubt he'll ever do enough, and you need to find other outlets. But slowly, surely, he must be able to reach out as well. Give him small doses of this, validate like crazy, and see what happens. [I'll be watching too, of course.]
). 
From nowhere I'll get a trigger and off into the deep end it is - the pain comes rolling in waves. I know not to react to it, just come here and vent, read up on other threads to take my mind off things.
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