Slowly -- Just sending you hugs and warm thoughts...I'm familiar with the mood swing path
I don't get the sense you're doing this but let me throw it out there anyway...after I come off of the downward mood swing, I almost always realize that I've made the sad time even worse by layering a "why am I not feeling better" story on top of my already sad mood -- IOW, I put on myself the additional pressure of "drat...why can't you just FEEL better?" -- well, 'cause I can't. If I can keep a less judgemental attitude towards myself and think "yah, I feel down/sad/etc and that's ok. I know this will pass" it seems to help.
Pulling for you but knowing you will be ok, Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - You know, I was thinking this morning that some of the ole crazy-making-control-freak is trying to re-surface. I am running late on a couple of projects, and the anxiety is spilling over to other things. Plus the sadness over the passing on of a friend. I can totally relate to what you are saying, tho. Part of the pressure IS coming from 'why am I not feeling better' tension
And then the almost anti-climax after the letter NG wrote to OW. Nothing else has happened. No apology, no chats about how he is feeling, no asking me how I'm coping. Just pretending that the A never happened. I'm really not happy with this. I have a lot more questions, and feel NG would just prefer they are never asked. Not sure how to tackle this one. Feeling out of sorts, and honestly, it is a combination of things.
It may be time to go back to the very begining and make myself so small again, my expectations are almost zero. Ugh.
Quote: And then the almost anti-climax after the letter NG wrote to OW. Nothing else has happened. No apology, no chats about how he is feeling, no asking me how I'm coping. Just pretending that the A never happened. I'm really not happy with this. I have a lot more questions, and feel NG would just prefer they are never asked. Not sure how to tackle this one. Feeling out of sorts, and honestly, it is a combination of things.
You actually answered your own question in your post when you signed your name...the answer is:
Quote: Slowly
I'm not trying to be glib or invalidating (really!). I know well the desire for closure, for action, for things to HAPPEN...but time will be your good friend here...
The letter to the OW was a major, major step and the next disclosure, the next big step forward will happen, just not necessarily on your time table...babysteps, no?
Maybe give yourself a break from looking for the next "sign"? Do some fun thing, something action-oriented to lighten the load for both of you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - You are of course absolutely right. I just seem to have misplaced all the wonderful learning from the past few months I actually think I need a break from NG, just hang out with some friends or carve out some me time. Problem is me taking off on my own was something NG cited as 'not caring enough' in the midst of one altercation a few months ago
NG called after dinner, and we had the usual chit chat about our respective days. He asked why I sounded down, so I told him That I was struggling with bad memories, feeling that I lulled myself into a situation where there was more pain than was necessary, that I was not sure how we were going to re-construct our R if we did not find it comfortable to talk openly.
He did not validate like he usually does, but the kind of questions suggest he did take my issues on board. With NG, I found I need to seed some thoughts, then back off for a couple of days. Often, SOMETHING develops at a later stage.
I actually feel a little better, I guess having the (self created) opportunity to express myself, and knowing that he is coming back tomorrow helps.
Now, if only I can buy some extra time for those projects we are running late on...
I think you did the right thing. You laid what you were feeling out and the concerns you have. A great start to opening things up. If NG is truly on the path, he will process and as you say, something will come out at a later stage, hopefully sooner than later.
Spending some QT with your friends sounds like a grand idea. I think I will do the same thing!
Take care slowly, all smiles, no frowns.........
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Hi Slowly, good for you to know when to back off. I agree with you that we have to be able to share at some point when in "piecing" .....after months of shutting up it's hard to know how, isn't it. Sounds like you were clear about both how you were feeling and about your reluctance to share. It also sounds like he received it. And now you give him space to digest. And see if it works (cheese!).
Do you think he has been quieter than usual out of grief/withdrawal from OW, that is, the finality of it?
I am also trying to give my H emotional space this week.
In response to our many musings on death, one of my ex classmates posted this poem, which touched me
On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Slowly, I think the hardest part of DBing is knowing you need to follow what your head tells you, but it seems to conflict with what your heart feels and it stirs up such a struggle within. Sometimes you have to take the time to search deep down in your heart to know that your best chance of making things right again is to follow our heads (filled with all this DBing stuff that is) to bring the heart back in alignment again with your head and quiet down the doubts and fears that stir up those negative emotions.
Hang in there Slowly, the outlook for you two is still very promising.
Hi KAW - It is so good as always to get your perspective. So far I've had no response from NG on the concerns I raised last Thursday. I think I can stick it out for a few more days
I guess part of my concern is that now he has written THAT email to OW, he probably feels he has done all that is needed for us to go back to the way things were. It seems like he does not want to discuss the affair again, full stop. This will clearly not work. But for now I'll just be patient, and get on with other things like KLA forum, catching up with my other friends.
That I was struggling with bad memories, feeling that I lulled myself into a situation where there was more pain than was necessary, that I was not sure how we were going to re-construct our R if we did not find it comfortable to talk openly. 