yes, it’s always best to keep your expectations low. But from a former OWs perspective, I don’t think a relationship can recover from an e-mail such as this. Even if they do get back in touch (which I’m hoping they won’t), the relationship is finis. You see, a OP relationship built on “romance” has one justification and one only – the Married Person (MP) claims he doesn’t love his or her spouse, but is staying in the marriage because of Difficult Things(insert any number of reasons here, from kids to family to money). Even if it isn’t true (and in most cases it isn’t, since most people are capable of feeling “love” for more than one person at once) it is necessary to maintain the phantasy.
NGs e-mail asserts just the opposite. He loves you and wants to work on rebuilding trust. Co-signed and copied to his wife, no less. If I, when I was still an OW, had ever received an e-mail even remotely similar neither of them would have seen hide nor hair out of me, ever. OW may or may not realize this, but their relationship is finished.
As for “why it happened”……I wouldn’t waste too much time over that. It happened. These things happen to people, even in good marriages. It’s much more important to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
I scanned over the Marriage Builders website before I found this one – I admit I disliked most of it, but one thing he said struck a chord (paraphrasing): Betrayed Spouses who come into couples therapy because of infidelity usually say “but I trusted him/her completely”. He replied: “You shouldn’t have. I don’t trust my wife “completely”, nor she me. No human being is completely trustworthy, because we are human. The important thing is to keep communication going on all levels."
I think communicating your feelings is exactly what you’ve been doing, and it seems to work. And he seems to feel safe to share his. I have a very strong feeling that you two will make it, Slowly. I’m rooting for you.
