Hi,
I'd appreciate your advice since you have "made it". I have been both the betrayer and the betrayed. I am certainly not proud about it. However, I immediately came to my senses when H learned of my affair. He was already having one (with his cancer nurse; he is now recovered from prostate cancer) and he had a violent reaction toward me when he learned of my affair. I had known about his for about 4 months when he discovered mine. He had several episodes of violence towards me, one of which resulted in his son (my stepson) making him leave here. I don't think he intended on leaving me for OW but, his son make him get out after he stopped by and saw what was happening. He has now been gone, living with OW for 2 years. I use many of the DB techniques, but have not given him an ultimatum as he is the type that does not respond well to 'commands". He was very angry and argumenative the entre first year of our separation. Since last Aug. 03, I have noticed positive baby steps each month. Sept.-anniversary gift was a clock, the face of which is a photo of us with our dogs. Also, he stayed here when I took a trip for a week, to keep our dog.
Nov.-went to my family's Thanksgiving. Dec.-had my family here for Christmas breakfast, he prepared. I retired in Jan. 04 and he has come here for breakfast, most weekday and some Sat. mornings every day since. Often, comes in from farming for late lunch with me. Feb.-Valentine card, money, perfume. April, same as Valentine's (Easter), but the cards are all 'friend" themes, though very nice sentiments. May 04- Grandmother card for Mother's Day, June-took me to his family reunion. Earlier that month, I had a gall bladder attack,was in hospital 7 days and he stayed here with the dog and stayed here first night I was home from hospital. July- my birthday and he gave me money, a really sweet "friend" card. Also, he has frequently stayed in after lunch here at the house, to rest an hour or so and watch some funny TV shows that we laugh at together a lot.
I know I did wrong, however, I have really turned my life around, joined the Catholic Church. He had to be involved in that process, which I never would have thoght he would do, in order for me to get in the Church. We both had to have an annulment of our first marriages. (not the same as a legal annulment; it's a Catholic church annulment.
There have not been any acts of violence towards me since those initial ones, although he still occassionally loses his temper and throws it up to me about how I betrayed him. He justifies living with OW because of what I did and says he can trust her. I don't ask about her or what they do. He is here more than there, although he does eat supper there and spends the nights there. What I can't understand is that he frequently had sex with me almost the entire first year of our separation ,then stopped and has had none for over a year, with me. He will rarely show any affection toward me, sometimes hugs and cheek kisses, very rarely mouth. He says he does not plan to marry OW and insists he doesn't want a Divorce, nor do I want one. Both my medical Dr. and Priest, both of whom know H, feel he will come back at some point. They say the issue is his to work through. they feel I should treat him with kindness. My Dr. says I will "win him over" and OW is bound to know she is sharing him with me. My Priest says that H may realize error of his ways one day, and realize I stuck by him in his illness. Says he still shows me acts of kindness which shows he cares and that he has not abandoned me.
His kids do not have anything to do with OW. I am still close to my stepson, and H family.
I'd appreciate your perspective, since you also were separated 2 years, but won your H back.
My H use to complain about my weight but since my illness, I have lost close to 20 pounds. Now, H says I have always been a good looking woman. Other point, on a part time job I had, H didn't feel I was treated right and he approached the person about it, in a threatening manner, and now will not do business with the place. I no longer work there but don't hold any grudges and I do go there.
My SIL says she doens't feel H is in a "great love affair" but is just a really good friend to OW.
I admit I have discouraging days and really miss having him here and the sex. we did not have a problem with our sex life. I have always had a struggle in my life dealing with rejection yet I suppose my cross to bear in life, is just that, dealing with rejection. some days are better than others for doing so. Often, I tell God that I have messed up so much in this life, to please just prepare me for the next life. That's the eternal one anyway. Thanks for any insights you can give.
Va Maggie