Does anyone have any wisdom on exit strategies? I know every situation is unique, but I could use some personal stories to help me figure stuff out.
I am HDW. We've been together 12 years, married 6. His LD started in our first year together. Over 2 years ago I found out about 6 secret relationships with OW over the course of our relationship. Most were EAs, but not all.
Since then, we tried marriage counseling that helped us through the initial crisis and then seemed to be like hitting a brick wall. So we flew to Colorado for intensives with PM's Ruth Morehouse. And almost a year ago we started therapy with a PM therapist. The PM therapist has helped the most.
But I'm running out of timelines that I keep giving myself in my head.
1) Financial. I got a job this year, but barely make enough to live on. 2) I know people stay together for their kids, we don't have any. We have dogs. People might think its silly, but it is difficult to have 4 dogs by yourself, and we also have a great home that we built together. 3. He is diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as of this year with the new therapist. But our therapist says she doesn't know if he'll ever want to "go" where he needs to go to heal (ie. do the work on himself and stop avoiding). 4. It's been 11 long sex starved years. We do have sex, but only when I demand it - used to be with uncontrollable crying. Lately I've decided that he has to initiate all ML sessions. I can't stand the rejection of him tensing up. He likes to make love once or twice a month. But he wants me to read his mind and initiate sex when he is in the mood. Obviously, this doesn't usually pan out well. I get ornary after 3 days - a constant struggle.
Before I found out about the affairs I felt I was being selfish if I left because everything else was so good. After the affairs I realized that everything else was not so good. I've been struggling with the stay/leave thing for over two years.
Anyway -
Any opinions on whether it is better to leave, or to have my H leave?
We have a large house and yard and animals and it is a lot to take care of. He would also have to continue to pay our bills if he left.
I don't know if I could live in a place that I felt safe on the money that I'm making. I also don't want to jeopardize the investment in the house and stuff in the house.
He told me last year when I was pretty sure I wanted a separation that he would leave and pay all the bills and I could have the house if we divorced.
I'm pretty "comfortable" financially now, it is really scary to give that up. We are also about $20k in debt, and are successfully paying that off (from $40k).
He is a good provider, very caring and supportive, but sometimes I just feel so incredibly hopeless about lack of sex and intimacy that I can't live with the thought of not having a physical intimate relationship before I die. (We're both 41). And I feel like I have a greater (albeit slim) chance of it if I leave. And also the negative stuff and the rejection sure makes living happily a daily struggle. When he's gone I miss him, but it is sometimes easier for me to be happy.
I've already invested so much into this relationship, I keep hoping that we can be physically close and intimate. And he obviously has some reason that he has LD, it appears to me like he was sexually abused, but he denies that. But he has little recollection of his childhood. Our therapist says his PTSD is from extreme neglect in his childhood coupled with physical abuse. She routinely asks him about possibly sexual abuse, but he always denies it.
Has anyone been through this experience of exit strategies? What did you do? How did you weigh your options?
