WB, The only thing I can see that you may want to try (that you already haven't) is to keep VOICING what you want.
I personally believe--and I could be wrong--that both you and HD could have much better results with the SSM and PM principles if you would speak up more. I think that your W knows that what she is offering is utter crap and she is waiting for someone to call her on it. When you don't, she loses respect for you..on one hand you SAY you want more sex with her, but you are unwilling to take a stand to get it.
I know you have taken a stand, but I can only recount what has transpired in my own situation and that is this: I have to KEEP taking a stand, sometimes as often as once per week, in order to get him to see that I am serious. I simply cannot say it once or twice a month and then drop it and hope he remembers. He will not.
He needs frequent reminders and while I am not threatening to leave the marriage (personally I don't believe that you have to, in order to be effective) I am making it perfectly clear that his efforts of late have left me unsatisfied.
It causes a good bit of conflict in my marriage, that is true. I am lucky in that I am the wife and my husband gets over this conflict in a lightning fast manner. Many women are resentful (I struggle with this also...gee aint I a peach to be married to!:) and that is a whole other obstacle to work around.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I think the idea is to bring things to the point where your W's either say, "Okay FINE I will start trying to meet your needs" or "I can't take this anymore, I am not willing to even try and if you want to leave, you'll have to". It is a huge gamble and I really can't blame you for not taking it so far. I know that I thought my husband would choose me but I wasn't at ALL sure.
Good luck to you and all I can say is that the conflict was soooo worth it. Even if I had to choose between conflict filled weeks and the way things were before, I would choose the conflict hands down every single time. At least that is SOME sign of emotion and passion and an indicator that we still mean something to each other, kwim?
