I agree with you, but I'm beginning to think that there is a "kinder, gentler" way to make this sort of change. I remember reading a diet book that said in order to finally successfully lose weight, it is important to thank your fat for all it did for you before you let it go. Thank it for big, healthy babies and cookie breaks that fueled your career and donuts that kept you from yelling at your loved ones and all the social events at which you were able to freely eat and enjoy yourself. If you don't acknowledge that you reaped some benefit from being fat, you won't accept that it was a valid choice that you made and you will continue to view yourself as a victim with no ability to make different choices in the future and be thin.
It's obvious how this applies to an HD in a long term SSM. Perhaps, we need to thank our celibacy or near celibacy before we let it go. Our celibacy allowed us to keep our marriages together for the good of our children. It allowed us to postpone dealing with our fears about being divorced. It allowed us to relax and be kind of wimpy or wishy-washy about figuring out what sex means to us. It allowed us to spend years enjoying the facets of our LD spouses personalities that we do love. Once we acknowledge that our celibacy was a choice that we freely made and recognize that we weren't being stupid or irrational in making that choice, we can choose to make new choices which make sex ahigher priority in our lives or we can choose to continue to make the same choices without feeling like a victim.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
