Quote: Sex is important to me, but by and large, the lack of sex has been her[/] choice.
I disagree with this. I'd say sex isn't important to you. You have 12 years of no sex, and 16 years of some sex to prove it. You complain a lot. So I'd say you like complaining. But I would not say that you like sex.
Quote: What expectations do I have that are causing me problems? Am I wrong to expect to have sexual relations with my W?
I'd say you expect lots of things. Expecting is great. But it gets you no where. If I told you I expect to win the gold medal in the 100M dash, and then I told you I used to be a pretty fast runner in high school, I occassionally run now, and who needs to work out? My body is fine the way it is... you and everyone else here would laugh my gold medal expectations off the board.
Quote: I understand that it’s my choice to stay in a sexless M.
Yes, it is.
Quote: I understand that if sex is that important to me, I do have the option of getting it elsewhere, ending the M, or whatever. But I’m committed to my W and to the M.
Whew!! You almost had me going there for a minute, thinking you had drawn a boundary. Being committed to the W and the M lets you off the hook, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm sure I'm pissing you off, but once you've settled down, why don't you think about this for a minute?
Quote: I want it to work. I want us both to be happy. I know that I’m ultimately responsible for my own happiness and W is ultimately responsible for hers, but isn’t it a loving goal to want both of us to be happy?
I'd say you want it to work your way. You want your wife to be happy your way. YOU can't have a goal for someone else.
Quote: I understand that no R is ever perfect, but despite repeated efforts, I’ve been unable to find out what W would like to change.
Repeated efforts at what? Getting her to fix the marriage? And since she doesn't tell you how to change, you don't have to? Is that it? So what are the things you want to have changed, and what have you done about it besides put up with her and complain? These actions aren't working. Now what?
Quote: I want more sex and have made that plain.
Yeah. I want a million dollars and have made that very plain to anyone who cares to listen, too. But it's just not showing up. What is UP with that? Apparently you have not made it as clear as you think because you still aren't having sex. Maybe you should reiterate YOUR want. Because it is YOUR want, after all. I do that with the money thing, too. I figure someone is going to hear me someday, finally take me seriously, and hand over the cash.
Quote: Lack of sex is the one overriding source of my unhappiness.
Really? What about the inability to stand up for yourself? What about your self-worth? What about your reluctance to draw a line in the sand? You sure it's only lack of sex that is feeding your misery?
Quote: So that unhappiness is caused by my expectations of having sex with my W? So I can become happy by not expecting sex from her?
Naw. I'd say it's great to have all the expectations you want. But going back to the gold medal scenario, would you feel sorry for me, given the outline I gave you above, when I came home all bummed out that I didn't win the gold? Would you not be tempted to say to me, Corri, sorry you didn't win, but I don't think your expectation were at all realistic to begin with.
What is being said here is you and HD and others want the medal but you aren't willing to do what it takes to get it. It is not up to your wife to tell you how to be so that YOU can get more sex with her. It is up to you to take charge of you and do whatever it is you need to do to be happy. NO ONE, no one this board can tell you what that is. You have to put some effort into this. You have to decide what are the non-negotiables that you need to be happy. You have to have the balls to own it. You have to state it and stick to it. And you have to decide if your marriage ultimately is more important than your personal happiness, if it comes down to it.
You making your wife the scape goat right now lets you completely off the hook. Right now, you get to be the victim. Just like I get to be the victim when I don't win the gold medal because everything I didn't do to train for it SHOULD have been enough. I should've won, I should've won, that should've been enough... now I'm a victim and I get to be miserable to boot, and in the middle of all of these should've beens and personal misery, I DON"T have to claim personal responsibility for what I didn't do. It gets to be EVERYONE else's fault.
I can let it go and change my 100M dash expectations, or I can get busy, own my personal responsibility and go after my goal, regardless of what others say.
FIGURE IT OUT!! If you can't do it on your own, go get help. But for gosh sakes, stop being a friggin' victim.
