I’ll skip all the quotes and get to the point. To abuse a good Schnarchism, I’m in Hairdog’s boat. And I guess I’m somewhat obtuse, because I still don’t get what the rest of you are trying to tell him.
Like HD, I went into M expecting to have a sex life. As you know, we didn’t. NO sex for 12 years and VERY little for the ensuing 16. I am fully aware that even if only by allowing it to continue, I have contributed to the problem – but by and large, the lack of sex has been her[/] choice and has been enforced by her. Sex is important to me, so this has been a sore point in our R since the second or third day of our M.
Over the years, I’ve always assumed that there was some reason she wouldn’t ML: prior sexual abuse, some idea that “good girls” don’t “do it”, some medical condition that made it painful, who knows. I’ve been very understanding for all of these years. The only pelvic exams she’s ever had were during her pregnancy and during her recent problems leading up to the hysterectomy, but there was never any mention from the doctors of anything abnormal either physically or hormonally. We’ve done the C thing and upped the frequency from never to two or three times a year. She won’t admit to any lack of desire, and in fact, even told the C that we don’t ML often enough. There’s a lot more that I could go on about, but I think those of you I’m directing this to are already familiar with my story.
So the big question is what I’m doing wrong. What expectations do I have that are causing me problems? Am I wrong to expect to have sexual relations with my W? Are you saying that the resolution is for me to stop wanting to ML with her?
I understand that it’s my choice to stay in a sexless M. I understand that if sex is that important to me, I do have the option of getting it elsewhere, ending the M, or whatever. But I’m committed to my W and to the M. I want it to work. I want us both to be happy. I know that I’m ultimately responsible for my own happiness and W is ultimately responsible for hers, but isn’t it a loving goal to want both of us to be happy? I understand that no R is ever perfect, but despite repeated efforts, I’ve been unable to find out what W would like to change. I want more sex and have made that plain. Lack of sex is the one overriding source of my unhappiness. So that unhappiness is caused by my expectations of having sex with my W? So I can become happy by not expecting sex from her?
I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy that. If W had some disability that prevented her from having sex, I would obviously not expect sex from her. But that would in no way mitigate my unhappiness over not having a sex life. Sex was, is, and always be important to me. It has nothing to do with expectations from her or from anyone else. It’s just a fact: the more sex, the greater the happiness.
