HD wrote: ------------------- Maybe it would be nice if there was a friggin' manual for this ol' heap. But there isn't. -------------------
Well, why don't we apply some basic troubleshooting techniques then.
First we have to recognize a simple fact. The sex issue is a secondary issue caused by the core problem.
I can play 20 questions to find out the core issue in your relationship, but I bet you already know what it is.
So, if you know what it is, come clean so we can proceed.
Just to help it along, from what I understand, this is your second marriage and your wife's first.
How did your relationship start? Was it born out of an affair? Were you already divorced when you met? You mentioned finances as a cause for problems early in your relationship. Has that been settled? What about issues with your ex?
In my relationship, my wife had tremendous hurts due to my focus on career. I did a lot of things with my family, but my priorities were pretty screwed up. She needed to do things as a family - travel, vacations, outings, all things recreational.
Even as a young man, I had been damn near everywhere and done many, many things. What I gave my wife in recreation was the equivalent of sex once a month. She did indeed get to have recreation with me, but it was woefully inadequate.
This sounds like such a small deal, and it would have been, *IF* I had addressed it back then. She actually begged and pleaded with me to address the issue many times. I would listen, then basically ignore what she had said. Her recreational needs were simply dumb and unimportant to me.
Over the years, this little wound became a gangrenous festering appendage. She began to withdraw, I was busy and ignored her. The sex along with our emotional connection began to disappear until it was almost completely gone. Flame out.
On the outside, we still looked like a perfect couple. I will say that while we were having problems, our daughter never suffered as a result. We at least got that right.
When we finally addressed the sex issue, I damn near fell over when the same old issue - albeit one that I hadn't heard in a long while, poured out of my wife. The shock and realization for me, that I could have so easily fixed this decades ago, just floored me.
My wife had a need that I had not meet, in fact ignored to the point that she had given up on me. I thought *I* was the one that had given up. She had long ago given up and was still determined to stick with me.
The unfortunate side affect was that our sex and emotional connection, basically our entire relationship, had gone south.
HD, I don't know what has soured your relationship with your wife. It may be simple or possibly complex. There is a very small chance that your wife is an abuser and a user. That is very unlikely however. Chances are, that in her mind, there is a simple root to her inability to meet you half way on your issues (sex).
As others have said, since you are here, you get to change first.
So, lets figure out the core problem and firmly identify it first. Then round up the parts and tools needed to fix it, and get to it.
There is an extremely good chance that taking care of the core problem will put your wife in a more favorable mode to deal with your issue. In fact, since the lack of sex is a symptom of a larger problem, it may spontaneously remit when the source cause is removed.
Let me know what you think.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
